My neurosis, fence sitting and general indecision has been chronicled a lot over the 11+ years that Aussielicious has been torturing you all with my ramblings. Not one to put a huge amount of stock in star signs, my Libran tendencies do however seem to be very strong and cliched at times. There are times when my mother, the only non-Libran out of my immediate family gets incredibly frustrated with our lack of decision making skills.
As an example of my self-contradictory nature, I have written in the past year 8 month or so how I’ve arrived at a place where I’m comfortable being single. In fact I’m almost determined to be single on my trip to Europe where I plan on trying to kick start my pathetic sex life with gusto in Berlin, a city most suited to slutty fun behaviour. However on New Year’s Eve and a couple of brief instances since there have been distinct pangs of loneliness. Not that I feel alone at all in this world. Great family and friends see that that is not a problem. Romance and affection is where I’m lacking.
Yesterday I was reading a blog post or a news article about people’s last wishes before they die. One old man’s grandson smuggled his favourite beer into his nursing home. Another woman had a frail slow dance with her husband of 50+ years. I won’t know what my dying wish would be until the time comes and only then if I’m aware that the end is imminent but I can tell you one thing that has always scared me. Not spiders, open spaces, small spaces or things like that. No, I’m most afraid that I’ll never get to experience a great love. Sure, I’ve been in love but I’ve never been in a relationship where I’ve wanted to be with them for life. Where I would do anything for them and we’d forge into the future a united and equal team.
I can’t see it happening to be honest. I might be too cynical, neurotic and carrying too much baggage these days to be able to “do” a good relationship. We’ll just have to wait and see if it ever happens but the die-hard romantic in me thinks it would be wonderful to experience that magic. Relationships are hard and not always fun but my parents have been together for 47 years and still have fun adventures together. When I see my dad at 70, pinch my mother on the bum as he wanders into the kitchen and give her a kiss on the cheek it makes me smile, and a little wistful.