Aussielicious

Today while I was at work I was chatting on text and email to a couple of guys I’ve been chatting to online. There was a bit of sex talking involved. Now I’m not the most confident of guys in the bedroom department after one or two guys I’ve been involved with have shattered that confidence so there are things in my fantasy realm that will almost certainly never be lived out.

Yet somehow today I was right in the mood to get down and very dirty with people and tick of things that I don’t think will ever happen. Before you all ask, no I’m not going to go into detail, but they were fun things to think of. The reality is though, if someone hit me up to actually do them, I would crumble into my world of neurosis about it and never have the guts to do it.

So, today I realised that I can be very horny for a hypothetical situation, especially when it’s in no danger of eventuating, but in reality, a lot of the ideas were just that, fantastic ideas that are better there. There were others that will happen… just not today.

I don’t know what the rest of the world does to advertise safe sex, but one of the themes the safe sex groups have used here for a long time is the premise that by sleeping with one person, you don’t know whom else they’ve slept with and what they might have caught.

Taking that a (slightly cynical) step further can you catch other undesirable traits of your partners exes? For instance, if you slept with Bradley Cooper, would you catch the Zellwegger squints? If you happened across a sexual encounter with Keith Urban would your face lose all expression and texture for several years a la Nicole Kidman? Even more scarily if you slept with Jesse James you could either end up a trashy fame whore with tattoos all over your face! It’s a sobering thought.

Flicking through people’s online profiles and now on Grindr, you make snap decisions on whether they are hookup material from their photo and what they say. Grindr doesn’t allow a whole lot of freedom to get the message across with limited text and one photo. With that in mind, sometimes I find myself asking if some people are really using that space wisely.

Just tonight, three profiles caught my eye, not so much for their photo or their details but the bit of text they’d used to either sell themselves or state what they want. I’m a big fan of witty profiles and making me laugh. Someone who can make me laugh a lot has the advantage any day.

“Love a baseball cap”
Is that an order or a statement? Humping on a baseball cap would be awkward and unsatisfying. It’s oddly specific too. Would a trucker cap do as well?

“If you really want to turn me on take ur singlet off jump in ur ute and eat a paddle pop”
Now I may need to translate for non-aussie slang afficionados. A singlet isn’t a wrestling singlet, it’s a tank top. A ute isn’t some German name, it’s a pickup truck with the tray thing at the back. A paddle pop is an ice cream on a stick which I cannot for the life of me remember what that is called in the U.S.

Once again, it’s a very specific turn on, but I think it’s supposed to mean a rough and ready tradesman with a hot body chilling out with his shirt off? Generally speaking, a pretty hot guy sucking on something in his mouth, but not a turn on for me stated in it’s initial form.

“Get Innocuous!”
Innocuous is an adjective meaning “not harmful or offensive”. Wow, that’s a heady way to describe an anonymous casual sexual encounter. I’m pretty certain they were being ironic and it did make me smile but it was a bit odd.

Last night I had one of the most intense sex dreams I’ve had in a long time. Granted that’s not saying much as I don’t often have them, or if I do, I don’t really remember them once I’m awake but this morning I remembered clearly that I’d dreamt I was going down on a gorgeous woman. It’s been 11 years since I had sex with a woman and I don’t know that I was particularly good at it.

Later in the day I watched the trailer for “Love and Other Drugs” with Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway who it turns out would have to be one of my biggest girl crushes. She’s gorgeous, funny, stylish, down to earth and well, sexy. In the movie it appears Jake is recruited to put Viagra on the pharmaceuticals map in it’s early days and reports to the hospital suffering from exactly what it’s designed to do. God knows I’d help him with that (hopefully not so little) problem.

What is my girl crush and sex dream telling me? I have been in the mood for a bi 3some for some time now but have no idea of how to make it happen. I think in reality I’m just not getting enough sex in general.

Everyone wants sex but no one wants sex with everyone. Well not most people.

On hookup sites everyone is fair game for a sexually loaded message up to a point. Sure, there’s probably not much point going into graphic detail of what you want to do with/to/for someone if their profile clearly states what they like and you and your desired activities don’t tick any of their boxes. At least on a hookup site the activities match the advertising, regardless of how frequently the shoppers are disappointed with the quality.

Given my nudist proclivities it should come as no surprise dear readers, to find that I am a member of a couple of nudist chat sites. One expects to chat and meet like minded nudists. Why else would I go there? Doing otherwise would be like buying a box of Corn Flakes expecting Fruit Loops to come pouring out.

Granted, there are a higher than average proportion of gay men on one of the sites but it is still a nudist site and most people are there for that. Today a gentleman didn’t seem to appreciate my stern response to his offer to lick me from head to toe in any position I might care for. Before I go any further I would have reacted in the negative to anyone starting out with such a message. I’m a willing participant for an enthusiastic tongue bath, theoretically, but it would have to be from someone I had encouraged to make such an offer and within the parameters of my sexual attraction, presumably discussed before the offer of said tongue bath. To receive such an offer out of the blue with no solicitation was not welcome. Flattering I suppose, but not really welcome.

I Can’t do it. Just can’t.

A couple of years ago I saw a guy on the nude beach that I thought was really hot then a year or so later he turns up at a class I was doing and we got on really well having a good laugh and cheeky flirt. I don’t get to catch up with him as much as I would like but his boyfriend doesn’t trust him (he’s cheated before) and doesn’t like me despite having never met me.

My friend was emailing me the other day saying he wanted to catch up and finally hook up and do that thing his boyfriend won’t do but my friend loves. I would love to do that thing to my friend too and have wild sex with him, but I can’t.

I’ll happily play with guys in relationships if that extra curricular activity is ok’d and approved of by the other partner, but I just can’t go through with being the “other man”. Not only would it make me a complete hypocrite as I’ve railed long and loud about monogamy and fidelity, but I just can’t do it with a clear conscience. How can I feel right about being the person someone cheats with but still maintain the right to be devastated if I ever meet someone and they cheat? I can’t and yes, I would be devastated.

Now, I need to tell my friend that yes, I want to do horny, filthy things with and to him, but it’s just not going to happen.

Tomorrow morning I head to the airport and fly to Adelaide, South Australia. It’s an interesting position to be in, visiting a couple that I had amazing sex with on the Navigaytion Cruise in early February, but not actually guaranteed of a repeat performance.

Granted the main focus of the trip is to get to know the guys better, have a break and some really good laughs. The couple are one of those couples that just make a lot of sense to me. They work really well together, laugh a LOT together and I would hazard a guess, bring out the best in each other. So ultimately if we don’t have any of the amazing sex, it won’t be the end of the world, but damn, I haven’t had any sex like that since and for a long time before.

It’s a long weekend here in Australia, so I will be back on Monday evening.

The topic of a threeway relationship has come up with people I’ve met recently a couple of times, especially over the weekend on the cruise. There was a couple on the cruise that I spent a lot of time hanging out with and one of the guys had been “kind of” in a threeway relationship in the past, as had another friend of mine, a few years back.

I’ve never been in a regular long term relationship so I’m no expert and I’m very keen to hear the experiences of readers who are in or have been in a three way relationship. To my inexperienced eye, most of them come from a third being invited into an established relationship and so far to my knowledge it’s that third that usually ends up hurt or dumped from the experience.

The couple I was hanging out with and I got on very well and hypothetically, instigated from the past experience of one of them, discussed the practicalities of the situation. I personally doubt could ever enter into a threeway relationship with an established couple. I’ve never heard of a long term threeway lasting, so it’s a self preservation exercise, stopping myself getting hurt. Secondly, as a hopeless romantic, no matter how much I desired the other two and felt a bond, I would feel absolutely horrendous if my entering the picture caused any kind of jealousy or tension within the original couple.

Having been single for a long time, I’ve had several threesomes with couples over the years and as the “guest” you are treated to an amazing level of attention and often are attracted to one more than the other. I can’t see the point in entering a situation so prone to jealousy. If any of you are in a three way relationship, please tell me your story.

Last night was one of those unexpected surprise nights that is all good. Tonight the year ends and hopefully continues the way last night did. I was on facebook and randomly chatted to a guy that I have never slept with but always found attractive, despite being 15 years his senior. I honestly didn’t think I was ever going to see him again due to a career change for him, some of his personal issues etc but was pleasantly surprised when dinner was mentioned and we organised for him to come over for dinner and catch up.

A nice meal, two bottles of wine, a good chat on the roof terrace and before we know it we are kissing and then he spent the night and some great sex was had. He had admitted that he’s a bit rubbish at keeping in touch and I thought there might be some awkwardness between us stemming from a conversation some months ago, but it was all good and I said, unless there’s been a big falling out then I don’t let good people just disappear from my life. Sex with him will probably never happen again and I’m fine with that, I wasn’t expecting it last night, but he’s a really nice guy, and I won’t let him lose touch.

It’s also rare for me to relax and let spontaneous sex like that just happen without getting all nervous. I hope it’s a turning point for a new attitude.

One commenter on yesterdays post about escorting and our predisposition to judge asked if I could date someone that had been an escort and the answer is yes. Very few people enter a relationship with no sexual history, and an escort just has more of a history than I do (lucky bastard) and probably a lot more tricks up his sleeve that would make life interesting in the bedroom (or kitchen, backyard or wherever).

They also asked if I would date someone that was still escorting and that answer is a definitive no. Not out of any judgement or disapproval but purely because I’m a totally monogamous kind of guy and even though it’s sex without emotion it’s still sex outside the relationship which I won’t accept.

I am going to be doing an interview with one of my friends who escorted several years ago to answer many questions on the issue. So if you have any questions you want answered, post them in the comments!

A few times over the past 12 months and again last night I’ve found out that people I know have or are working as escorts. Be it either by chance or for financial reasons and some starting at quite a young (legal) age.

Each and every time my first response is still, even though I like to think of myself as a liberally minded individual, that it’s wrong. Then I sit and give it some rational thought and realise it’s only because we are brought up to think of things like porn, stripping and escorting as a bad decision that must be made out of very negative circumstances.

When I think about it even more, my reaction is probably borne out of jealousy more than anything. I have developed insecurities and hangups over the last few years around sex that I am envious of the freedom. My lack of confidence means I’m occasionally nervous about shagging people I find genuinely attractive for free, let alone people I don’t just because there’s money involved.

Murphy and his bloody law has struck again today. Last night my flatmate and I went out and had a really fun night but at some point the vodka fairy took aim and gave me a swift kick to the head leaving me sore and sorry and slow moving today. My flatmate was out for most of the day and I was feeling frisky so jumped online to try and find some fun of an adult nature.

I don’t do a lot of hooking up and my efforts to jump back on the slut bus have been woeful at best. Surprisingly I found someone in the mood, and after the same kinda fun as me, nothing experimental or avant garde, just plain old fashioned casual fucking. He was supposed to come over at 3. Then he messaged saying he was waiting on a labourer to come and put up some blinds and they were running late, could we make it 5? Sure I said. 4.00 and I hadn’t had an update. Soon after a message came to my phone saying he couldn’t make it after all.

So, here we are at 5pm on Sunday afternoon on a cloudy day in Sydney and I’m going to have to resort to my usual bit of self gratification before I go for dinner with a friend to a neighbour’s place.

It’s long accepted that there is a man-drought in Sydney. People that want to date, can never find a man. The straight girls think all the men are gay, the gay men think all the men are straight and both camps agree that all the good ones are taken.

Never fear, being the detective that I am, I’ve gotten to the bottom of this dilemma and hopefully now we’ll come up with some preventative measures or perhaps legislation to combat the problem.

The lesbians are stealing the men. I hear the sceptics and nay-sayers from here all tut-tutting this absurd theory, but it’s true! Two of the lesbians I know are both currently shagging men, one of them making a detour to sample some pre-op tranny cock on the way to her current male shag. The other one is even now calling her shag “boyfriend”. I think it’s outrageous! There’s barely enough cock to go around all the people that really like it as it is, let alone with these part-timers and wannabe’s squatting on valuable real estate.

How would they feel if we started snatching up all the vaginas, so to speak? They’d be disgusted and you wouldn’t walk outside for fear of a carefully aimed birkenstock hitting you in the head, thrown from a passing motorbike!

Please note: all stories contained within are true, moral outrage is highly sarcastic. At least someone’s getting some cock.

Last night I took myself off to the gay sauna (bathouse) for some anonymous casual sex. I haven’t had any sex in months and I could feel my mojo dying a slow and boring death due to lack of interest. The longer I went, the less I felt like it. So last night was an attempt to jump start it again and see if it really is a case of the more you have the more you want. Here’s hoping. I had some fun. There weren’t a lot of guys there that were my type, but it was crowded so there were lots of men having lots of fun. I found a fun 23 year old who seemed to appreciate my moves and we sorted each other out nicely!

Tonight is date number three with Irishman and we are doing sleep over. I’m so nervous. I don’t know why really but it’s been a while since I’ve felt like this so I’m taking that as a good thing. There probably won’t be a blow by blow report, so to speak, so don’t ask, but if all goes well, then I’m hoping to see lots of this guy. He’s a sweetheart.