Aussielicious

A blog reader sent me a lovely email last week that has inspired this post. His email basically said that I should stop worrying about finding Mr Right and enjoy being single because being single is a very valid relationship status.

Let me clarify from the outset that I have never suggested anything else. Some people feel more comfortable being single than they do in a relationship. Some people I know who are in relationships would actually be much better suited to being single. There are definite advantages to being single. You can do what you like when you like. There’s no negotiating sexual rules of a relationship, if you want to hook up with someone, you can. If you want to have a lazy night on the lounge eating rubbish, then you can.

For me, while being single seems to be my natural state, or my most common state historically speaking, it’s not what I prefer. I love the idea of sharing life’s little moments with someone special, getting to know someone’s sexual triggers, emotional triggers, knowing that if something is wrong that there is someone that chooses to be by your side through thick and thin.

The reader that sent the email mentioned that he was sick of being made to feel guilty for upsetting seating arrangements at dinner parties by not being in a couple. Thankfully my friends mostly only know me in a relationship and Sydney being what it is, there are lots of we single boys around so dinner parties usually have more than one single boy.

When one is re-entering the dating (wading) pool after a significant relationship, it is important to forget anything you may have learnt from that relationship and hit the default switch on your behaviour.

Today, my office has played host to a stunning specimen of male model for a photo shoot. Naturally he is beautiful, but he is also charming, friendly, down to earth and polite. Equally as naturally, I’ve fallen deeply in lust with him.

Through some delicate and very subtle google and facebook research one has concluded that the object of my lust is a decade younger, a enormous proportion hotter and despite a mutual facebook friend’s statement that he’s “a little hetero-flexible under the right circumstances” almost certain to never be waking up in my arms.

Of course, one is only made more certain of our impending nuptials when the male model, who has himself graced the cover of men’s health magazine, asks if I’ve been working out. Cue the schoolgirl style giggling. Why yes one has…

Tips to remember for those newly single (again)? If they are geographically unavailable, emotionally unavailable or physically unavailable, then they are almost certain to be the ones that one falls for. It’s important to fall back into habits that never worked in the first place.

This is the new Marriage Equality video, released today, from GetUp! The timing couldn’t be better as our Prime Minister has once again postponed a dinner with three gay couples who won the right to the dinner at an auction. The dinner was supposed to happen within a few weeks but with the participants agreement Ms Gillard pushed it back, as long as it was before the National Labor Party Conference, where marriage equality will be debated, which is next week. Unfortunately the dinner has now been postponed until the new year.

This is a beautiful video that I’ve watched many times this afternoon and cried every time. It’s so simple and represents exactly what I want. It’s not an in-your-face gay love scene or anything that the conservatives could possibly object to. It’s the same love story they claim to be protecting, just between two young men in love.

Well, two weeks after my boyfriend ended things, the reality has set in. The first weekend I was riding an emotional roller coaster. Angry, sad, accepting or empty whatever that hour decided it wanted to be. For the two weeks since, I’ve mostly been pretty accepting and comfortable with the situation, although I wouldn’t say I was happy about it.

This weekend has been different though. Friday night I was home alone and feeling bored and lonely and promptly burst into tears so I took myself off to bed. Yesterday I was fine, the sun was out and I was busy. I tentatively downloaded Grindr on to my phone, even though I really don’t want to hook up with anyone at this stage, it’s a gentle way of seeing what’s going on.

I don’t know if it was the Grindr thing or not but the realisation that I am looking down the barrell of bad dates, awkward coffees and shallow sex, good and bad, has made me really sad. For nearly ten months I had someone to cuddle, laugh with and do all those fantastic couple things with and now I don’t. If I have to be single again for another 10 years before I meet someone, that is NOT going to make me happy.

When one is going through the immediate aftermath of a breakup, when not surrounded by friends to protect you from the emotional rollercoaster, it’s important to be careful of your surroundings. I’m not talking about sharp implements unless of course the breakup is a truly devastating one and you are prone to extreme reactions.

No, one is talking about the simple things around you. For example, one has discovered it’s best not to drive home from supportive friends late on the night of said breakup listening to Adele’s “Someone like you” in the car. It is frightfully hard to drive the car whilst crying.

Nor is it advisable to watch a tv show the following night focused on a flash mob surprise marriage proposal and impromptu wedding. So I caution you all, watch happy shows, listen to happy music and stay away from Adele, no matter how good she is, in these dangerous times.

Unfortunately over the weekend, my relationship came to an end. I’m sad and disappointed but sometimes these things do need to end whether you are ready to admit it at the time or not.

As someone that was single for a decade and never had a real relationship, this relationship I find myself in has been a wonderful smooth ride. Every now and then I realise just how much of a bumbling goof I can be.

I’m still learning just how to handle being in a relationship, and while I never expected it to be easy all the time, I’ve been surprised at just how easy we have had it so far. So when I mess something up, I hate it. Not because I’m a perfectionist but because I love my boyfriend and I really don’t want to hurt him. He’s making me way too happy.

So I guess I have to curb some of my natural instincts of avoiding issues and when one comes up, deal with it head on. Like most men, I’m not good at admitting my faults, but I am learning.

Friday was my 38th birthday and my wonderful boyfriend had plans to celebrate the occasion but was not telling me what they were. All of Friday he was sending me intentionally very misleading clues. When the time came, our initial dinner plans fell through but we had a beautiful dinner overlooking Sydney Harbour.

We have spent the last three nights in a lovely hotel over looking the harbour, having a massage, walking around the harbour, doing some touristy things and enjoying each other’s company. Last night we went to the State Theatre and saw a movie recording of the 25th Anniversary performance of Phantom of the Opera which was fantastic.

My man is so romantic and thoughtful and special. I am going to work so hard to keep him and make him very happy. He may have come into my life later than I would have liked but I probably wasn’t ready to do him justice before now.

I don’t think anyone who has been in the dating scene longer than a few minutes would argue that it’s tough out there navigating the rules, etiquette, disappointment and pitfalls of the dating world.

A friend of mine is at the stage where he’s angry. I see lots of elements of me a couple of years ago in what is going on with him. He’s frustrated with guys stuffing him around, not sure what he’s doing wrong. He’s angry at the scene and it’s attitude. He’s struggling with feeling like an outsider in a world he is in but not in at the same time.

This guy doesn’t like clubbing or lots of the stereotypical aspects of the scene, and is struggling to meet guys anywhere else, so he ends up on dates with guys he’s not really compatible with. It wasn’t so long ago that I felt a bit the same. Here I was in my late 30′s and never having been in a real relationship and focussed on it so intently it drove me crazy. Many blog readers, as well as good friends told me I just needed to stop thinking about it. Much easier said than done.

Another friend managed to get through to me. What he said wasn’t even that different but somehow it got through to me. I got on with enjoying my life and making the most of my time being single. I made myself happy. By changing the way I looked at things and reacted to them, that frustration and anger did disappear and the happier me was what people saw. Personally I got busy shooting and working on my exhibition and the next thing you know, my now boyfriend and I met, chatted and got on really well…

My angry friend is posting things on facebook about loathing the scene, hating all the men he’s meeting and being over Sydney. It’s not Sydney. The only common denominator in all of his troubles is him. I hope he works it out soon.

With my trip to the U.S. coming up in just under 6 weeks, I’ve been thinking about the things that people have asked me in the lead up to it.

Today I was talking to a guy from here in Sydney that I found out is going to Burning Man also. His partner isn’t going for one reason or another but I didn’t ask him, because it didn’t occur to me, whether he is allowed to play around when he is away. Several people, including close friends, have asked me if I get a leave pass to play around while we are in different hemispheres. The answer is no. Yes there will be sex all over the place at Burning Man. Yes I’m staying at a gay resort in Vegas, but the only person I’ll be having sexual relations with is my right hand.

The thing about being asked a few times is it makes you wonder if open relationships are so common that it’s now considered part of polite conversation to ask if I’m fucking around on my boyfriend. To be honest it makes me sad. Are monogamous couples really that rare in the gay world? Maybe that’s why the conservative straight people are so reluctant to let us get married. Granted, they are just as promiscuous, but less open about it.

I saw this video yesterday and had a tear in my eye at the office while I was watching it. I know it’s not real but it’s beautiful. Enjoy.

For a number of years I’ve been going round infecting friends with relationships while being an uninfected carrier at the same time. It’s been a dangerous affliction just causing relationships left right and centre without even trying.

Now that I’m actually in a relationship I’m scared that the couples created by my “love ebola virus” may all crumble in a heap. One of them has recently fallen apart at the seams and they were the one couple I thought were destined to be together forever. Being a complete romantic myself I hate seeing couples breaking up but I feel even more guilty when I introduced them and it doesn’t work out.

There are a few other relationships that I’ve inadvertently created that are still going strong. Fingers crossed they survive or I’m going to feel really bad.

I’ve just been reading over at West of Mayberry about (Large)Tony doing something nice for his boyfriend’s birthday. They’ve been together for a few years now and it sounded like a lovely day.

Tomorrow is my boyfriend’s birthday and I may have gone overboard on the birthday present situation. Part of his present is that I’m taking him away to a little cottage in the country for a couple of nights. He already knows about it so it’s not ruining the surprise if he reads this. I realised this morning that it’s the first time EVER that I’ve gone away on a weekend away with someone I’m seeing. Granted I’ve only had two “relationships” that have been as long as this and they don’t count because I knew they were never going anywhere.

Getting to 37 before you go on your first ever romantic weekend away is kinda the wrong way around I would have thought but that’s all good. I’m really looking forward to a couple of lazy days with him and I hope he enjoys it. He’s been working really hard lately.

The last few days have seen me wandering around sulking because I haven’t been able to see my man. We are only a few months into the relationship and I’m still learning the rules, not that any rules have been spoken off or demanded, apart from honesty and openness.

I’m trying my best to not be a needy boyfriend and I don’t think I am being needy. I make no demands on his time and we are both busy people. I’m the first person to admit that I haven’t been the best in previous dating situations but this one doesn’t make me feel neurotic and weird. For the most part.

I think the last few days have made me realise that, naturally, feelings are growing which I really like but I’ve never been in a healthy happy relationship before and you do start to get nervous, hoping and wanting it all to be happening for the other person as well but getting anxious that maybe it’s not. There’s no rational reason for me to worry, but that’s what I do. I do get to see my man tomorrow night which will be lovely.

And NO, this video isn’t me making a grand public statement. When the L-bomb is dropped it will be in private and between he and I.

Update: This video was removed by request.

In the few months that I’ve been dating and now officially “in a relationship” you realise how much you take for granted being single. Having essentially been single for 10 years with some tragic dating experiences scattered in that time, whenever I felt like doing something, up to a point, I did it.

Compared to a some sections of the gay scene, I have been a bit slutty but compared to the majority I led a fairly conservative sex life. Yesterday on the nude beach and at other times recently I realised that all that could very well be behind me. Thankfully I am in a relationship with someone that shares my stance on monogamy so if this relationship works out all those fantasy scenarios of orgies, three-ways, casual encounters and that twin fantasy of mine are all going to stay in the fantasy file. To be honest, that suits me fine. Most fantasies are better left unfulfilled.

On the nude beach yesterday I was watching guys disappear around the rocks for some anonymous adult encounters and thought to myself, well I’m not allowed to do that anymore. Is that a problem for me? Not in the slightest. There are always going to be temptations. I’m monogamous yes, but human with urges. For me part of the pleasure of being in a relationship is committing to that monogamy and not letting that temptation win. I will always look, I’m a visual person, but my man will be the one enjoying my horny moments, no one else.