Aussielicious

When one is proposing marriage to one’s beloved, you only need to get down on ONE knee. I know “the gays” tend to favour both knees, but that should be saved for one he has said yes.

When you are planning your wedding it’s important to copy exactly all the rituals that make an “opposite sex” wedding so special. Mind numbingly boring speeches are a must, as is a drunken aunt or uncle trying to disrupt the proceedings. One of the happy couple must take over the role of Bridezilla, because we all know that there is a man and a woman role in every gay relationship.

Toasting your husband it is very important to say that he is your “rock” and he “completes you” and all the proper cliches otherwise your wedding will be null and void, which brings me to the next point. If one does not conduct a gay marriage properly, it will not be registered on the abomination registry and nor will it contribute to the destruction of the sanctity of marriage as we all know that every time a gay couple gets married a straight couple is forced, at gunpoint, to divorce. It’s in the rules.

Once you have settled in to domestic bliss, revelling in the fact that you have destroyed “traditional marriage” and you have thought about adopting a child or co parenting with some lovely heathen lesbians, you must first consider the ramifications. Your decision will force good christian parents to have a very very awkward 5 second conversation with their own children about why your child has two daddies. It’s impossible for a child to understand “because they love each other” and it will break their soul. You will also need to start training your child to the ways of the gay army. If they show any sign of being heterosexual, you must immediately force them to play with a homosexual appropriate gender based toy. You may be happy for little Johnny to be interested in girls but you will weaken the foundation of “heathen marriage”.

If you are comfortable with all of these obligations to destroy the beauty that is a marriage between a man and a woman, then you are free to marry.

It is important when dressing to present yourself to the world that you make the most of your assets, whatever they may be. Keeping this in mind, yes baby-gays skinny jeans are in and look quite good, but like most fashion trends only when taken to the extreme. If one’s testicles are not doing a splendid impersonation of a moose knuckle one must throw one’s jeans in the dryer or buy a smaller size. Everyone knows that gross disfigurement of one’s genitalia is a desirable trait when looking for a mate.

By all means, when one has found the perfect pair of uber-skinny jeans it only makes them more attractive by adding a few finishing touches like a wallet, keys, phone and cigarette packet. You’ll never wonder where you put things again. Like a snake that swallowed a small pig, your belongings will be in plain sight even in your jeans, just like your testicles.

If one chooses to wear one’s skinny jeans under the butt cheeks as very cool and important youths are want to do, the answer is yes, of COURSE it adds to the attraction that you have to walk like a duck or an old cowboy to keep your pants from falling down. Not only does the altitude of your waist band signal availability, but your bow legged walk also provides easy access. It’s win win!

Something newcomers to the nude beach environment will notice is that there are people there of every shape and size which is a very good thing. However, when one sees someone one knows at the nude beach it potentially creates a scenario when one or both parties can be uncomfortable.

How to handle the situation if you do see someone you know? If the person you know is in better shape than ones self, simple, avoid them at all costs, especially if one has let oneself go since the last time the two of you saw each other. Why on earth would one want them to be able to think that one has gone to seed?

If on the other hand the other person is the one to have let themselves go, of course it’s perfectly acceptable to stride confidently towards them and say hello. If one can’t make the most of feeling fabulous then what is the point of all those hours in the gym and calorie counting?

One last piece of nude beach etiquette. If one’s pubic hair has completely consumed one’s genitals, it’s time for a trim.

In today’s bustling modern homosexual world where a large portion of social interactions are conducted without face to face proximity, it’s important that one conducts ones self with the loftiest of double standards in place.

When one is re-entering the dating (wading) pool after a significant relationship, it is important to forget anything you may have learnt from that relationship and hit the default switch on your behaviour.

Today, my office has played host to a stunning specimen of male model for a photo shoot. Naturally he is beautiful, but he is also charming, friendly, down to earth and polite. Equally as naturally, I’ve fallen deeply in lust with him.

Through some delicate and very subtle google and facebook research one has concluded that the object of my lust is a decade younger, a enormous proportion hotter and despite a mutual facebook friend’s statement that he’s “a little hetero-flexible under the right circumstances” almost certain to never be waking up in my arms.

Of course, one is only made more certain of our impending nuptials when the male model, who has himself graced the cover of men’s health magazine, asks if I’ve been working out. Cue the schoolgirl style giggling. Why yes one has…

Tips to remember for those newly single (again)? If they are geographically unavailable, emotionally unavailable or physically unavailable, then they are almost certain to be the ones that one falls for. It’s important to fall back into habits that never worked in the first place.

When one is going through the immediate aftermath of a breakup, when not surrounded by friends to protect you from the emotional rollercoaster, it’s important to be careful of your surroundings. I’m not talking about sharp implements unless of course the breakup is a truly devastating one and you are prone to extreme reactions.

No, one is talking about the simple things around you. For example, one has discovered it’s best not to drive home from supportive friends late on the night of said breakup listening to Adele’s “Someone like you” in the car. It is frightfully hard to drive the car whilst crying.

Nor is it advisable to watch a tv show the following night focused on a flash mob surprise marriage proposal and impromptu wedding. So I caution you all, watch happy shows, listen to happy music and stay away from Adele, no matter how good she is, in these dangerous times.

As a nudist there are extra rules or social constraints that one must adhere to on top of those for a day-to-day or clothed life.

There are behavioral aspects to nudism that tend to upset people when they are not conformed to. Standing near the only entrance to a nude beach whilst fondling yourself so it is unmistakable nor unavoidable is the best possible thing to do. One does tend to love seeing that kind of thing as one arrives for a peaceful day at the beach.

One also loves the very generous offer of the slightly socially awkward close-to-geriatric man who is clearly trying to push his social boundaries and comfort levels by wandering past people and offering a blow job. Sadly the gentleman in question seems to be muttering his very generous offer too quietly as no one is taking him up on the offer and thus clearly not hearing him.

If one is using nudist networking websites it is also very important that your photos show, without doubt that you are indeed a naked nudist. If possible, one should spread ones legs as widely as possible to ensure that there is no anatomical detail missed.

On my recent holiday I treated myself to a pampering day at a luxury spa that had a lovely roman baths set up to it. Watching the people there I learnt some valuable lessons.

If one is attracted to someone, especially in an environment where people may feel a little vulnerable due to a complete lack of clothing, it is important that one still try one’s luck by attempting conversation. It’s important to do this over and over again, following the object of your desire around and repeatedly trying to engage them in conversation.

Please, don’t take their one word answers as a no. It’s not important that they aren’t responding well, nor that they are incredibly attractive and some might say out of your league or in all likelihood even on the other side of the sexuality fence. Their lack of response is just them playing hard to get. Persist. Never give up.

As a fledgling baby-gay embarks on his first tentative steps into the sparkly wide world that is the gay scene, it’s important to remain true to oneself and assert your own individuality. This does come with rules however.

If one is a bearish type, feel free to be your own man, but that almost certainly must include a neatly trimmed beard and a furry belly. By all means stamp one’s individuality on your body with a tattoo, as long as it’s a bear paw print, preferably one on each side of your chest.

As a baby gay one will want to show one’s flamboyant side and that’s fantastic as long as you do that by pooling your pocket money together with your baby gay school friends to buy your eyeliner in bulk and a communal set of hair straighteners. That way you can all express your individuality together as a collective consciousness at a fraction of the price.

Now, the muscle boys and A-Gay jocks are harder to pick. They really do like to be individuals. The rules for them however making sure they conform (individually expressed of course) to this week’s shade of t-shirt, polo shirt or perfectly shrunk skinny jeans.

As a modern homosexual it has never been more important for one to master social networks to promote oneself in the best possible light and photograph selection is of the utmost importance. One’s facebook or twitter profile photo can set you up to be the aspirational it-homo that everyone wants to meet at a party and be regaled with with and humour or it can reveal you to be some kind of anti social hobbit that only tweets about their latest online gaming conquest at 3am after a 45 hour marathon gaming session.

There are rules about your photographs however. One common theory is that the photos should be of oneself. For some reason or another, this is not always the case. On dating and hookup sites some modern homosexuals have been using less than honest photographic selection for some time. The idea of using someone else’s photos on facebook is a new concept to this homosexual.

In recent weeks I have noted at least 3 profiles where the person belonging to the profile is not the visage represented in the photographs. The profiles have all been Melbourne based young lads (possibly) but each of them has gone to amazing lengths to source dozens of photographs of  porn stars in two cases and an underwear model in another case. They have shown mighty levels of resourcefulness by obtaining candid and non-commercial photos of said porn stars and models.

There is a slight flaw in their modus opperandi. They have chosen beautiful men, beautiful well known men that millions of other modern homosexuals have lusted after and know quite assuredly to be citizens of cities definitely other than Melbourne.

It’s been some 12+ years since I’ve been near a vagina for sexual purposes and I’m pretty content with the situation as it stands.

We’ve all heard the expression “opening a can of worms”. This means to create a set of problems from revealing a piece of information or asking the question that the answer will cause said problems.

Along those same lines we’ve all heard the saying “opening Pandora’s Box”. It comes from an ancient Greek myth that Pandora was the first woman created (not Eve, in this instance) and she was given a gift that could be used for good or evil. Many centuries down the track this evolved to be a box that contained her gifts. Now her gifts of persuasion have often been used for evil, even in the more “christian” version of Eve persuading Adam to eat the forbidden fruit.

So in my own little evolution of the tale I’m interpreting box to mean vagina and I’m not the first to use the slang for that body part. Since Pandora’s box was often used for evil it makes sense for one to assume that vaginas are evil. How could all these christian’s have got it wrong for so long? Stay away from Vagina, lie with a man instead.

Note: I have no problem with Pandora or any other woman but no good can come of their boxes.

When one’s sister is about to marry a (balding) lovely young Prince, it is considered polite to attempt to remove all incriminating photos of one’s self from the internet. A futile endeavor of course but the proper thing to do as one’s monarchy is not impressed by photos in bad drag, simulating being thoroughly rodgered over a sign or scratching one’s testicles whilst sending a text message.

The etiquette is yet unclear on the proper response to one’s name with the suffix of “gay” becoming the most googled term immediately upon completing a fabulous reading at one’s sister’s wedding to aforementioned (balding) Prince. Does one let rumour run riot and continue to decorate cakes, dress stylishly and get one’s arse out with friends. Or does one issue a (royally approved) vague and general statement discouraging such rumours without actually being a denial so one can busy one’s self with discreet sexual encounters with persons of one’s choosing?

A modern bodybuilding homosexual  is still obliged to baste oneself with a ludicrous shade of fake tan for a competition but one must, must run straight to the nearest high pressure shower and scrub with all your might as soon as the competition is over. By competition I mean that 3 minutes on stage trying to look masculine while wearing a smaller swimsuit than Barbie, after a year of lifting heavy things up and down and not eating like a sane person.

If one doesn’t scrub under a high pressure shower but instead decides to  let the tan wear off, after a week you are destined to look like you’ve had a torrid night’s sleep rolling around in bed sheets soiled with your own excrement. Please… scrub. The modern homosexual is still, after all, vain.

When one is at the dentist for the first time in years and has a straight female dentist and a muslim female dental assistant, it is probably best to rethink explaining why you find it inconvenient that you have a strong gag reflex. They might not appreciate it.

When new technology arrives it’s usually sex or porn related industries that jump on board first. Grindr is the new kid on the block and comes with new etiquette rules to learn and abide by.

When one has an encounter with a nearby gentleman and it is a less than stellar encounter where one relies on porn to reach a logical conclusion and the visiting guest relies on chemical stimulation to reach that same conclusion, would it not seem quite logical that the scenario wasn’t ideal for either party and best not be attempted again?

After said encounter I proceeded to block said visitor to avoid an accidental revisiting of the awkwardness. Said visitor then proceeded to send me a text asking if it had been so bad that he was blocked. Well… yes, actually. Did you really enjoy it? You had to visit an altered state without my involvement to reach a less than toe curling climax. I think we are done.