In my attempts to help local businesses stay alive, I have been getting coffee every day and the occasional meal downstairs at the cafe, all takeaway obviously. Today I ran into a friend and was chatting to him at an acceptable distance while I waited for my food.

After he wandered off I made eye contact with a cute guy standing further away. As I get back to my apartment he messaged on Grindr asking if I had just been at the cafe. Of course I said yes. The next thing you know he’s asking who the other guy was and complimenting his calves.

Over a few messages he kept asking about my friend, who is in a monogamous relationship, and asked for his name. Um mate. No. Firstly I’m not giving out friends details to randoms in the street. Secondly he’s not going to play with you because he’s in a monogamous relationship as I’ve just told you.

Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, don’t use Grindr to pick up someone’s friend. Do your own work. Cheers for the luke-warm interest in me as a token gesture but no.