My experience at the sauna on the weekend and again with a Grindr hookup after my birthday lunch have reminded me of something. I’m no good when I force a sexual situation on myself. If I’m not entirely in the mood, I need to just let the thought go. I’d been thinking about the sauna for a while and have no regrets about going but I wasn’t entirely convinced I was in the right headspace for it either. When I was walking around not getting much interest it nearly tipped me into a spiral of feeling unattractive but luckily I fought that off.

At my birthday lunch I was almost the only single person there. Being the 3rd, 5th, 7th, or even 11th wheel, especially at your own birthday celebrations is a bit tough to take when it is always the way. So I came home and made the mistake of confusing a lack of emotional intimacy with a need for sex. I had some sex and it was mediocre, leaving me feeling hollow. Not in a shame spiral or anything like that but it definitely reminded me that I’m after something more.

So from now on, if I’m in the mood I’ll be as slutty as I want, but just because I’ve thought about it, doesn’t mean I’m necessarily in the mood. In the mean time, who wants a date?