There are times when I just don’t understand where I fit within the gay world. As someone who struggles with confidence at times in the sexual realm it does feel that the gay world is very focused on hooking up and rampant sex. Then I have people asking why I’m single and I have no idea how to answer that. The mystical alignment of being attracted to the same person that’s attracted to me, with enough in common to make a spark just hasn’t happened. So where does that leave me?
For months I haven’t had any sex because I haven’t felt attractive and I’ve spoken with friends and I think blogged about it on here. It feels like I’m stuck in a vicious cycle. I haven’t had sex because I don’t feel attractive but part of not feeling attractive comes from not having had sex. It’s a bit of a conundrum.
Today for the first time in a long time I felt horny and wanted casual sex. I was pottering about the house and I got a message on Grindr. There was a guy I’d chatted to before and he was keen so it was on. He was keen for something pretty much straight away which suited me down to the ground. Then he decided to have a quick shower before coming over. Obviously I’m not going to argue with that one. Then he just ghosted. Stopped responding to messages, never got any closer and just didn’t bother.
A few hours later someone else was saying, from 150metres away, I’ll be there in 15 minutes. Giving all this fantasy dirty talk detail about what would happen. Again, at the time he said he would be able to wander over, stopped responding, went offline and disappeared.
Of course being flaked on by two guys in the same day has made me feel so much more confident about myself. What a great feeling. Men can just go choke on their own cocks because I’m fucking over it.