With performances booked for this weekend, the weekend should have been spent rehearsing and running the routine. Sadly, my nerves kicked into over drive and I worked myself up into such a state over not being able to get through the routine that indeed, even in rehearsal I couldn’t get through it. So rather than perform a rubbish routine and hate myself for it, I’ve pulled out. I’m still very upset with myself but I was not going to do a good job.

An article came to my attention a few weeks ago that I read part of. Sadly I didn’t have time to read the whole thing but it was discussing the tendency of a lot of gay men to sabotage their own happiness or success. Now that is far from a universal truth but I do think it’s a common thing. I’m very talented at it. The performance is a good example. Rather than just force myself to rehearse, I let my nerves take over and talk myself out of doing a good job. That then gives me a reason to be more nervous next time. Vicious circle isn’t it?

So. My plan now is to keep rehearsing this routine that I was putting together, refining it and making sure I can do it all the way through without getting stressed about it. I’ll do it often and get myself to the point where I can’t even remotely tell myself I can’t do it. I’ve done bigger and more difficult performances in the past.

"Entangled" Dress Rehearsal from Brenton Parry on Vimeo.