The invention of geographical proximity based hookup apps is one of the most important inventions for the homosexual community ever because we all know that the only impediment to anal penetration amongst gay men is geography. If you are physically close enough for your penis to reach someone’s anus, then as gay men we are morally and geographically obliged for that to happen. Physical attraction, conversation and compatibility are all null and void and best saved for those pesky heterosexuals.

I’ve often marveled at the messages online saying “If only I/you were closer.” Yes, because given the oath we all took as homosexuals to tear at the fabric of society through legally enforced anal penetration, if we were in the same city then we’d have shagged by now. These messages are clearly a very nice compliment but the implication that because one has received a compliment, one’s sphincter has immediately relaxed and lubed itself is a little baffling.

One has been in the the proximity of a huge room full of other homosexuals and not penetrated or been penetrated by any of them. How is this so? Aren’t we supposed to as gay men want sex with every man we see? Or is that just the fear of straight men everywhere?