Today I turned 41 and it’s time for some changes. Sitting around catching up with a dear friend over the weekend that I haven’t seen in a few years, he gave me a gentle version of tough love. It’s time to cut the negative self talk, stop sabotaging myself and put myself out there.
My lack of confidence has become my armour. I don’t go out much to places where there are new people because I’m not confident anymore. I don’t have sex because I’m not confident. I didn’t rehearse my circus routine because I’m not confident. That’s rubbish. There’s only so long I can use past hurts as an excuse not to achieve or have a bit of fun. Yes there are very genuine insecurities there but they are holding me back now and there is no reason to let them.
A few years ago I had a conversation with my mother and something came up about me not being confident. Keep in mind that my mother is a firm believer in keeping your feet on the ground and not being arrogant in any way. When she realised that I had lost my confidence in a big way, even though she doesn’t know the ins and outs of why, she was shocked. My mother doesn’t throw compliments around willy nilly but she couldn’t fathom why or where I’d lost it. It was really nice to hear from my mother that she thought I had no reason not to be confident but it was also a bit of a surprise that even she was surprised how lacking in confidence I was.
So it’s time to shake things up. I’m going to do my best to post an instagram photo that makes me smile every day even if it proves rather challenging. I’m also going to do my darndest not to let my negative self-talk be the loudest voice in the room. As an extension of that, I’ve said I would do a performance at the end of next term for the open rig show. Time to get off my arse then! No more “I’m fat”. No more “I’m old”. I’m not. I’m 41, fit and healthy and I have a bloody good life.