Etiquette for the Modern Homosexual #21

When one is embarking on a date, be it the first or a few dates in, there are a few things that may be said that may or may not be taken the correct way by the recipient. Of course I have only ever said the most perfect things on dates and if they weren’t received correctly it is merely because the date didn’t understand my razor sharp wit, it goes without saying.

One’s years of being single has yielded some astonishingly bad first dates and all of the following gems have been uttered to your gracious writer on these said dates, several of the following from the one date who seemed to have no understanding of acceptable social behaviour.

It is not a good selling point when one is asked on a date, in an attempt to engage in conversation “what do you do in your spare time?” to respond with “Not much, I’m pretty boring”. Cue the sound of crickets in response to that reply from my date, just this week. This is the same date who also committed the cardinal sin of misjudging the level of attraction or connection and before one had even reached home, had the text message saying how much he enjoyed the evening and how he would love to see me again. One was quite astonished that he had deemed the date a success to such a degree that it would be worth repeating.

Other lines that may not be appropriate on a first date, bearing in mind that these all came from one person over the course of one meeting, are “So, I see you are losing your hair too!”. One was not impressed by that one, thankfully I am quite aware of my follicly challenged state. During the course of the meal he announced that he didn’t actually have any friends. Hardly a selling point in anyone’s books I’d say unless two hermits are on a date which hardly seems likely to happen. Towards the end of the meal when I thought I might have a coffee, this same date thought it wise to tell me had been thinking of a milkshake but decided against it because he had diarrhea. One feels that one might have been best saved for another time, or better yet not at all. At the end of this stellar date, this socially gifted but sensitively stomached wonder thought it prudent to ask me that if we were to engage in another get together if “next time could you shave?”. It seems Mr N0t-Right-at-all had yearnings of more clean cut times where men dare not leave the house if they weren’t cleanly shaven.

So, please take heed and only use any of the above beautifully crafted conversation killers if you do indeed want to never hear from your date again. It’s a guaranteed success, but you also run the risk of becoming a dinner party conversation topic, complete with ridicule.

15 Responses to “Etiquette for the Modern Homosexual #21”

  1. 1 David Asset

    Ah yes, first dates. One of the nice things about being partnered is that you don’t have to endure these anymore. I remember my worst first date ever. A friend set me up with a “nice young man” who allegedly liked dating slightly older men. My young date was about 19 and I was 41, not exactly what I had envisioned nor had he. When I asked your question “What do you like to do in your spare time?”, he answered, “Homework”. There was no repeat date.

  2. 2 Marc

    LMAO I’m sorry but this is hilarious. I would have left and said it isn’t going to work

  3. 3 Martin

    Something about beggars and choosers comes to mind (I’m just suggesting a little less judgment, that’s all, from a perpetually couple-challenged person).

  4. 4 Michael

    Hahaha I thought this was hilarious and I loved your sense of humour throughout. I am sure the date was excrutiating at times but I am glad you can look back on it and smile.
    Touche Brenton

  5. 5 Pop

    I feel a bit sorry for the guy being rebutted like that online. I hope he didn’t read it…. I mean, if he’s a bit socially challenged he might find this type of rejection hurtful. We all can’t be fabulous and witty all the time and dates with people that we have no connection with can be very challenging for some…. even more challenging if that person writes a gay blog and you become the subject of ridicule.
    I do like hearing about your conquests though and I am sure you meant no harm. Like you, I have been on plenty of disastrous first dates and have some very funny stories I love telling my friends.

  6. 6 smoothkiwi

    note to self, remember this next time relationship is feels like hard work

  7. 7 Damien

    Martin – really?! That’s what you take from this post?? Rather than identifying as couple-challenged perhaps you should insert “bitter and jaded” to that

    Pop – on one hand you say Brenton shouldn’t say eat he did – and then you say how much you enjoy reading about posts like this? It vey.

    B – I’m with you. The dating pool us a minefield that frequently blows up in ones face. This person wasn’t so much socially challenged as plain inappropriate. Diarrhoea is not appropriate table-talk on ANY first date. This person doesn’t need social lessons as much as a slap to the back of the head.

    As for the above individuals – they belong to the “never satisfied and can’t drag their eyes away” club.



  8. 8 Pop

    dude you should check your typo’s before you hit send… you make little sense… and you kiss the intent of my post… yadda yadda

  9. 9 Mac

    Aah, these are the episodes that invariably lead to the recommendation “You should write a book”.
    Or a blog at least. :)

  10. 10 Bill (Scotland)

    Quite amusing, but I’d like (for a bit of much-needed balance) to be able to read the other person’s perspective on what was obviously a stellar success [not] of a first date.

  11. 11 Kazza

    What a gem – NOT!

  12. 12 Mikey D

    Brenton – you poor baby! I can’t believe that happened to you – but I love how you tell a great story. Thanks for the laugh. You’re the best.

    And Martin, you’re a certified asshole.

  13. 13 Patrick

    This post was hilarious, and Damien’s comment is spot-on. That is all.

  14. 14 Sue

    Um, better luck next time B! Too funny though!

  15. 15 BosGuy

    Your “Etiquette for the Modern Homosexual” series is consistently among my most favorite blog posts. Without fail it makes me chuckle. All I can say is I hope this socially-inept individual was at least easy on the eyes.


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