When one is embarking on a date, be it the first or a few dates in, there are a few things that may be said that may or may not be taken the correct way by the recipient. Of course I have only ever said the most perfect things on dates and if they weren’t received correctly it is merely because the date didn’t understand my razor sharp wit, it goes without saying.

One’s years of being single has yielded some astonishingly bad first dates and all of the following gems have been uttered to your gracious writer on these said dates, several of the following from the one date who seemed to have no understanding of acceptable social behaviour.

It is not a good selling point when one is asked on a date, in an attempt to engage in conversation “what do you do in your spare time?” to respond with “Not much, I’m pretty boring”. Cue the sound of crickets in response to that reply from my date, just this week. This is the same date who also committed the cardinal sin of misjudging the level of attraction or connection and before one had even reached home, had the text message saying how much he enjoyed the evening and how he would love to see me again. One was quite astonished that he had deemed the date a success to such a degree that it would be worth repeating.

Other lines that may not be appropriate on a first date, bearing in mind that these all came from one person over the course of one meeting, are “So, I see you are losing your hair too!”. One was not impressed by that one, thankfully I am quite aware of my follicly challenged state. During the course of the meal he announced that he didn’t actually have any friends. Hardly a selling point in anyone’s books I’d say unless two hermits are on a date which hardly seems likely to happen. Towards the end of the meal when I thought I might have a coffee, this same date thought it wise to tell me had been thinking of a milkshake but decided against it because he had diarrhea. One feels that one might have been best saved for another time, or better yet not at all. At the end of this stellar date, this socially gifted but sensitively stomached wonder thought it prudent to ask me that if we were to engage in another get together if “next time could you shave?”. It seems Mr N0t-Right-at-all had yearnings of more clean cut times where men dare not leave the house if they weren’t cleanly shaven.

So, please take heed and only use any of the above beautifully crafted conversation killers if you do indeed want to never hear from your date again. It’s a guaranteed success, but you also run the risk of becoming a dinner party conversation topic, complete with ridicule.