Dear Mr Cruise,

I’m sorry to hear of your latest beard contract cancellation divorce proceedings. It must be very difficult for you to lose someone you have hired had sanctioned by scientology loved.

Now, this may be difficult for you to read. I know when I finally accepted my sexuality and came out to people, I was almost hurt that everyone had worked it out long before I had. For you, it might be harder yet, the whole world seems to be aware of your sexuality with hundreds of articles devoted to speculations about your contract negotiations, auditioning fake wives, courtship of Katie. I understand that in your early years in the business, being the Top Gun sex symbol and Risky Business teen hearthrob, studios might have pressured you into your first marriage if you had even realised you like men by then. I’m speculating you did, the way you humped that throbbing motorbike in Top Gun. Besides I always thought Maverick and Goose had a rather special bond which I’m sure crossed over under those group showers.

You might be asking when we all realised what was going on. Well, we had our suspicions when Nicole managed to look relieved at her new found freedom when you filed for divorce. Relief is a tough facial expression for her to achieve when you’d had her marinated in botox for ten years. Our fears were finally confirmed in your infamous display on Oprah. Straight men barely manage to squeeze out a tear on their wedding day or at the birth of their first child. For a supposedly straight man to proclaim such expressions of emotion while combining it with a cardio work out on a leather lounge is very gay. Sorry to say it.

Perhaps it’s time for yourself and John Travolta to run off together and live happily ever after? I realise that you are both likely to be insatiable bottoms, but you could both ask your wives to demonstrate how to use the strap ons or there are some quite lovely double ended dildos on the market. You’ll still be fucked, well and truly, but not fucked over in a contract termination divorce proceeding.

I think it’s only fair that Katie is given a chance to breathe life into whatever is left of her career. Nicole managed to win an Oscar when she was set free. Granted Katie’s career was never quite as stellar and your particular brand of crazy has escalated in recent years thus tarnishing her more than Nicole ever was so it will be harder for her, but please, think of Suri. Give her a chance.

PS please stop making movies. No one wants to see it.

Kind regards, The world.