Last weekend’s Rapture didn’t happen and the man that was courteous enough to warn us all about it is as stunned as we are. Helpfully he’s revised his prediction to the 31st of October saying that last weekend was God’s deadline to make his decisions about who steps on the gilded escalator to heaven and who slides down the scorching slippery slide to hell and October’s REAL Rapture is when we get dispatched to either destination.

Let me get this straight. God has now decided who has been good and who has been bad, just like Santa and has chosen Halloween to send us on our way? It really does put some pressure on our Halloween costumes for this year. You don’t want to put some angel wings on and end up in Hell now do you? You don’t want to dress up as a fallen angel and end up in Heaven. That could be all kinds of awkward. The angels would forever be looking at you with a touch of doubt in their eyes.

The five month window to find redemption is a little concerning also. I’ve been wandering around committing a fair few sins for nearly 38 years now and while I’ve tried to be good most of the time surely it’s going to take a bit longer to redeem myself, especially since I now have a boyfriend and we are committing acts of sin and reveling in our abomination status on a relatively regular basis.