Last week when I was answering questions on my formspring account and there was a question from a 17 year old reader who said “I had my first experience with a guy at 6 or 7. Is that an experience or sexual harrassment?”
Firstly, I’m not a trained professional, but if an adult is having sex in any way, shape or form with a 6 or 7 year old that is way beyond sexual harrassment. Sure, as kids everyone plays with other kids their age, showing each other their bits. It’s all part of growing up. An adult touching a child is never right, never excusable and definitely criminal.
I know from subsequent messages from this guy that it’s lead to some sexuality confusion for the poor guy. He is trying to work out whether he is bi or gay or straight. I suggested to him that there’s no need to define it and just do what he feels comfortable with, sticking to sex that is consensual and legal. Does anyone have any advice for this poor young man?
In my professional life I have been involved more times than I would like to think with helping victems of molestation work through issues, usually a combination of helping them get good therapy and making a report to child abuse services (in the states persons in helping professions have a legal obligation to report). I would think the first thing for this guy is to get help with a good professional counselor, it would be very confusing to figure out what is going on by himself. Thanks for publishing this, I hope anyone else with similar experiences would get the help they need as well. At such a young age, it was not about sex, it was about an adult’s control of a child.
It would depend on how old the other participant was. It was implied it was an adult, but you didn’t confirm what exactly the chap said. If it was indeed an adult, then a criminal act took place. If it was another person around his age give or take a few years then it could be just purely experimentation. I think most of us did “experiment” when we were kids at some point with those around our own age.
Regardless, if he is struggling with his sexuality or questioning what he is or isn’t, then I would suggest he get some counselling. I know that when I finally admitted to myself that I liked guys, I sought counselling and it was a tremendous help. Sometimes we just need to be heard and be told that we are normal.
My two cents.
As someone who was sexually abused by a Catholic priest at the age of 10 I know exactly what it is like to reflect upon a sexual experience at a young age and try to determine if it has any bearing on being gay (bi, striaght or otherwise).
What I would say to your your friend Brenton is that if the experiences he has had at 6 and 7 years old were not consentual then I wouldn’t be considering them as events that mark the loss of his virginity.
I do not believe that your virginity is something that can be taken from you. You have to give it to someone willingly. I certainly don’t consider my abuse at the age of 10 the loss of my virginity.
If the other individual involved in these encounters is the same age as your friend, then I’d probably put this down to experimentation. If the other individual is an adult then a crime has been committed here and depending on your friend’s willingness to do so, should be reported to the authorities.
I also have to reiterate Condoguy’s comments that if he is struggling with his sexuality then it’s best to talk to counseller, or other social services who can proivde him with a balanced and objective perspective on what he’s going through.
L.
I would agree with all comments above about seeing a counselor, whether it was abuse or just sex with someone near his own age. The young guy is confused and upset and needs to speak with a professional, and as most of us know, at that age it is not something we discuss with a parent or buddy. My first sexual experience with an adult was consensual ( I was 16) with my Pastor from the United Church Of Christ which lasted for five years. I already knew I was gay, so I never had a problem with our relationship. I will always be grateful to him for helping me accept my sexuality. I hope that if I did have problems , I would have had the courage to speak with someone, and have your web site to ask about the problem. You are doing good work.
No, nothing to add. Thanks Brenton, well said.
I was about the same age when this happened to me. It took me a long time to come to terms with it and how it affected me. I can finally say with great confidence that I am gay. It did take a few years of therapy to help me through some of the worst years of my life. I always thought that because this happened this is why I was attracted to other guys. I can safely say I have always been who I am. Now with a great husband of 7 years.
I know there are plenty of people to talk to but if he wants to listen to me ramble on please Brenton pass on my email.