
A reader sent me an email about experiences he’d had with dating and relationships as an HIV negative man in a relationship with HIV+ men. It’s an interesting eye opener that negative guys probably don’t give thought to, the concerns of the poz guys about possibly infecting someone.
“I’ve twice become involved with Positive guys. I’ve sat and talked with the health care professionals about behavior and transmission and the sex has always been strictly safe and smart. I knew what I was getting involved in. The decision wasn’t simply about the riskĀ of transmission but had to do as well with the idea of being with someone for the long haul who’s health may disintegrate unpredictably or who may develop side effects from drugs that make them less physically appealing. The idea of going from lover / partner to care taker is frightening. Yes, I know that this is a possibility for all people as they get older.
The difficulty for me in these situations had more to do with the fearfulness of the men I was involved with. The first felt so guilt ridden about his status and the mistake he made that he would never speak about it and hid his medical matters from me. This made me feel very shut out and as though I couldn’t ever mention the situation or ask any questions. It was just too upsetting to him.
As well, I could never honestly express to him how heartbreaking the whole subject was to me. I have had soooooo many friends die over the years and it was something that I simply couldn’t talk about with him. For me it was a huge limitation to communication.
The second time I met someone who told me he was positive there was such a strong connection between us that it seemed inevitable that we would become involved. He was actually very disappointed to hear that I was negative (I know that sounds ghoulish, but I understand it) because he said that he knew he wanted to be with me from the moment we first spoke. He told me that he needed to give real thought to being with a Negative guy. There was such strong…magic (I know sounds corny but the best word to describe it really) between us that we felt very connected right away. And then, one day the communication got more strained and lessened until one night I was stood up for dinner and then unanswered phone calls and then no communication at all. I was incredulous and so hurt and angry. I assume that the idea of being with a Negative guy became overpowering to him and he wasn’t courageous enough to deal directly but it left me feeling very injured and scarred.
The point I’m making is that it may be more difficult for the Positive guy and may require more honesty and responsible behavior (and I don’t mean just sexually) to be in that position.
To all Positive guys, I know that guys may treat you like lepers and that’s shitty but Negative guys have feelings in the situation as well.”