Dear U.S. Citizen,
A little over three years ago you left Australia after your second visit here and our third time together and we left on good terms. I apologise. I should have thrown your arse out of this country as soon as you packed my baggage. Yes, MY baggage. Since that visit, and the way you treated me, I have been riddled with insecurities that weren’t there before you came and hurt me and left me with a smile on your face.
Not being able to tell me in words that you weren’t ready for a serious relationship was ok. Telling me by treating me like dirt found on your shoe was not. Telling me I had bad breath so you didn’t have to kiss me was not good. Being openly critical of things I was doing in the middle of sex was not good. Putting an advertisement on Craigslist for guys to meet us at the nude beach and fuck was not good. Finding you sitting in the steam room at the gym masturbating with someone decades older than you while I was out dressing and waiting for you was not good. Organising more threesomes or group sex, than sex with just you and I was not good.
Did I handle it correctly by letting it all happen instead of telling you to your bags? No, I didn’t. You made me feel like I wasn’t enough. I couldn’t turn you on and someone else had to be there to do that for you. You have left a lasting impression on me that I’m not good enough and frankly, I’m sick of carrying the emotional baggage around that you packed for me. You can have it back.
When you went back home, we tried to be friends and stay in touch. It was good that we were behaving like adults, right up until you called me, standing outside the house of some guy you were practically stalking asking me to talk some sense into you within two months of you saying you weren’t ready for anything serious. At what point in your self absorbed brain did you think that was ok?
Did you think I’d be impressed a couple of months later again, when you were bragging that the guy you were dating (ie fucking regularly with other people) and spending a lot of time with, was a porn star? Only in your mind is that some kind of glamorous aspirational trophy husband. The porn stars I’ve met and chatted to are great guys, but it’s not the fact that they have sex on film that is a selling point for me.
I’m genuinely glad that you are happy in your newest relationship. Seriously. Do you give a damn that I’m not happy with myself and therefore can’t find happiness with someone else, because of how you treated me? I don’t think so. If you’d learnt anything from the two boyfriends that cheated on you and put your health at risk, I thought it would have been how to treat people with respect. Good luck, best wishes.