Dear U.S. Citizen,
A little over three years ago you left Australia after your second visit here and our third time together and we left on good terms. I apologise. I should have thrown your arse out of this country as soon as you packed my baggage. Yes, MY baggage. Since that visit, and the way you treated me, I have been riddled with insecurities that weren’t there before you came and hurt me and left me with a smile on your face.
Not being able to tell me in words that you weren’t ready for a serious relationship was ok. Telling me by treating me like dirt found on your shoe was not. Telling me I had bad breath so you didn’t have to kiss me was not good. Being openly critical of things I was doing in the middle of sex was not good. Putting an advertisement on Craigslist for guys to meet us at the nude beach and fuck was not good. Finding you sitting in the steam room at the gym masturbating with someone decades older than you while I was out dressing and waiting for you was not good. Organising more threesomes or group sex, than sex with just you and I was not good.
Did I handle it correctly by letting it all happen instead of telling you to your bags? No, I didn’t. You made me feel like I wasn’t enough. I couldn’t turn you on and someone else had to be there to do that for you. You have left a lasting impression on me that I’m not good enough and frankly, I’m sick of carrying the emotional baggage around that you packed for me. You can have it back.
When you went back home, we tried to be friends and stay in touch. It was good that we were behaving like adults, right up until you called me, standing outside the house of some guy you were practically stalking asking me to talk some sense into you within two months of you saying you weren’t ready for anything serious. At what point in your self absorbed brain did you think that was ok?
Did you think I’d be impressed a couple of months later again, when you were bragging that the guy you were dating (ie fucking regularly with other people) and spending a lot of time with, was a porn star? Only in your mind is that some kind of glamorous aspirational trophy husband. The porn stars I’ve met and chatted to are great guys, but it’s not the fact that they have sex on film that is a selling point for me.
I’m genuinely glad that you are happy in your newest relationship. Seriously. Do you give a damn that I’m not happy with myself and therefore can’t find happiness with someone else, because of how you treated me? I don’t think so. If you’d learnt anything from the two boyfriends that cheated on you and put your health at risk, I thought it would have been how to treat people with respect. Good luck, best wishes.
I wish that I had the strength and character that it would have taken to write that letter.
I have decided that if somebody else was able to find that strength - I too would find it.
Thank you Brenton for inspiring me.
Hey, You’re not alone in having one of those dopes in your past. The important thing is that you can get away and learn to treat yourself better. He’s not a capable person and you should just understand that you deserve more. Being alone is just fine and it doesn’t make anybody a loser or less than. Take care and be glad you don’t have that in your life.
Tango (an American)
Hey B,
I hope that this cathartic epiphany is your first step on the road to seeing what a truly beautiful person you really are. Everyone has a dating anti-christ and it sounds like that loser was yours. I have told you this for years. You are a beautiful man and I hope that you are starting to see that. Let this loser go. Forgive yourself for letting his stupidity and arrogance bring you down and gather strength from this short chapter in your life. And, most importantly, don’t function under the impression that every next man you meet is going to be the same way. There are still some really good guys out there.
Stay strong! From an American smitten with you.
Mike
Good for you to put this on paper to process this very insensitive person.
Good on you! No fear, when you least expect it someone or something fulfilling will come your way.
Good for you! It probably won’t mean anything to that jerk ( I have had too many of the same in my life) but it is good that you have taken your own power back. But instead of letting him know that he hurt you (thus letting him have a sick victory) let him know that you are a wonderful man who is loved and admired by men around the world who would love to be by your side!!!! HUGS
Damn, when Davey Wavey comes for a visit in Australia, he really fires things up!
“Do you give a damn that I’m not happy with myself and therefore can’t find happiness with someone else, because of how you treated me?”
Whilst I don’t underestimate the effect this person has had on you, I would personally caution against believing that because of him, or anybody else you cannot find happiness.
Surely we are the only architects to our own happiness.
Hope you’re ok B.
xx
Wow Brenton. I actually started reading your blog back when you were seeing the American and contemplating moving to the States to be with him. It’s a little unnerving to read that he was such a douche and put you through so much pain that it’s still palpable today. My prayers are certainly with you that you will be able to unload that baggage and move toward the healthy, happy life you should have with someone who you can love deeply and loves you in the same way in return. All the best to you.
Brilliant!! Congratulations Brenton on shedding yourself of those feelings and emotions. Sure it will, and has taken time, but you are well on the way to a much deserved and fulfilling relationship and life. Your words have given all of us a mighty burst of self worth and em-powerment. Onwards and upwards!! :)
My friend………….
I applaud and celebrate your strength of realisation and your stand at appropriately assigning the responsibility of someone elses actions that had profoundly negative effects on you.
I wish you all the happiness that a truly talented and kind man like you deserves.
May HaShem bless you and keep you in health, hope and happiness.
Shalom
Your Friend
Damien
I looooooovveee drama!
Is it because he was a US Citizen/American that you don’t like him? Or because he packed your bags?
You do like me…..right?
Hey Brenton,
I’ve known you before “the American” during “the American” and now since “the American” … and I still love you, man. (That’s “mate” to you blokes down under.)
You are one awesome guy and even though I am waay far from perfect either, I do hope we meet up some day.
Take care, live bare…
NakedBudd6@yahoo.com
Orlando, FL
benton, you are one hot man, based on the pictures that you have posted. I don’t know you, but just based on looks, I would think your dance card would always be full. this guy sounds like one huge ahole that you should have dropped long ago, and moved on to something better.
remember, it was him not you!
Brenton, I’m sorry you got hurt, but, no, you haven’t given back any of the emotional baggage. Judging from this post, you unpacked it, rearranged it a little, repacked it, and picked it right back up.
It’s one thing to blame someone for hurting you but -
First, everyone gets hurt sometime, but short of extreme, long-term physical and mental abuse, not everyone turns it into a life-ruining experience.
Second, until you take responsibility for your own part in it, you won’t be able to heal.
You picked him. You put up with one “not good” thing after another, instead of showing him the door - and believe me, a lot of people would have done just that after only one incident, and then wouldn’t have tried to stay friends with him. That’s not “behaving like adults” - that’s being a doormat.
It’s a good sign that you’re as angry as you are now. But you’re still directing all of your anger at him and making him wholly responsible for who you are now. I can’t help but wonder if you were really as happy and and free of insecurities before The American as you claim. Secure people don’t put up with being treated this badly. In fact, people who don’t treat others with respect are an instant turn-off to happy, secure people, not a challenge, or whatever this guy was to you.
If you don’t deal with your own part in this - figuring what first attracted you, and what kept you coming back for more - you’re at risk for having history repeat itself. And no one who reads your blog regularly wants that for you.
Brenton, this is your blog (and a great one it is). The previous poster appears to think that you yourself need to analyse, rationalise and be both sides of every argument. But that is not why you’re here. It’s not why you’re writing. It is, and needs to be all about you and your emotional progression.
Continue to tell it how you see it, how you feel it and make no apologies as to how that appears.
Oh please get over yourself. You have your health, your looks, and judging by these comments, your friends. What more do you need.