I recently heard a story about a guy who is just totally lost as to where he fits in. As a young outgoing country guy this guy seems to be on the right track for a fulfilling life. He’s good at what he does and had lots of friends. He’s realised that he’s gay and recently came out to his family but they weren’t as accepting as he would have hoped. This guy came to Sydney so that he could explore being gay away the pressure of his family and friends. Unfortunately, he didn’t fit in. He’s a country kid who loves his country lifestyle, being a blokey athletic guy and didn’t feel like he belonged in the clubs on Oxford St. Nor did he want to belong.
From what I understand this guy is also quite religious. His mother, a former lesbian “cured” by the church is pressuring him to be “cured” too. We’ve all heard millions of stories of ex-gay therapies leaving their “success stories” even more tortured and wracked with guilt than when they started treatment.
What do people do when they don’t fit the stereotypes of gay culture? They don’t fit in their old world, because their parents are telling them so. They don’t fit the world of the gay scene because it’s not what they know or it’s just plain not for them. Who knows what is best for everyone, but there is a happy and healthy life out there for this guy. He just needs to talk to someone who understands. Suicide has crossed this poor kids mind more and more frequently. I hope to god that isn’t the road he chooses. There are lots of guys who don’t fit the gay stereotypes but are perfectly happy being gay but being blokey, masculine men. If anyone can identify with this guy’s story, please leave a comment to help him!
I’m not the blokeyest of blokes. I do work in fairly blokey industry, construction but in the professional side of it. I work just around the corner from oxford street, but normal only use the street as a way to get from A to B. I work with some “scene” gay guy some “non-scene” gay guys. The scene that isn’t for me. Fun to visit but wouldn’t want to live there. Outside of work i don’t really have any “Gay” friends. Well except my sexy partner who i share a generally nice suburban life with. All i can say sure is i’m me and i’m pretty happy with that but should take better care of myself. Took me a while to get there and always learning things about myself. Would i be happy if i wasn’t, not sure.
I often wonder if all steroetypes are just marketing tools to get us to put ourselves in an easy to hit box. Either way there is to much of the whole Us and them thing going on in the world.
I hope your friend is doing ok.
Life is what you make it, you really can pick and choose the bits that fit with you either full time or fun places to visit, as long as you except others can do the same.
just my 2c
Matt
I think if he prefers the country style of life, he should be there. Although I live in Berlin, i don’t feel myself as a part of a “gay scene” I couldn’t care less for the gay bars. And I know a lot of gay guys who do not fit into this stereotype, and why should they? It’s a bit strange that he thought if he’s gay, he should visit those clubs. Being gay is a sexual behavior, why should you change the way you live? And if he has a lot of friends there, even better. Some might accept, some might not, some might just need time. The only real threat seems to come from the family. And well, it may be difficult to find a partner in a small village.
Maybe he should read autobiography of NBA star John Amaeche “Man in the Middle”, there was quite mixed response to his coming out from the team mates.
This is also a good read about gays in team sports:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/men/article6891130.ece
“CURED”? Sounds like a pickle, or vegetable, or piece of meat.
If this guy is religious, then he should know that God created him as he is. God wants him to be happy. We must all forge our own way in the world even if that means taking the path less traveled. I hope he chooses life and finds his own path. Sometimes all it takes is a little time and an open heart. Good luck!
Not sure what to say accept he is not alone in the world. I’m from the country and I would probably get hurt by some of them if they knew. I headed for the city, but don’t fit with the gay scene either. I don’t have gay friends, and I’m religious too. I came to terms with the religious part. God made me the way I am, and I accept it. It’s just nearly impossible to make gay friends though. I don’t fool around due to my beliefs and I’m not the club type. Most gay guys just seem to want to fool around. It would be great to meet a nice simple guy who wants something more. Hang in there buddy. Your not the only one. It’s just more challenging to find each other in this crazy world.
There are a number of country areas around Australia that are a bit more gay. Two I can think of are Lismore and Daylesford in Victoria. Maybe he would feel more comfortable in one of these.
OK, I had a detailed comment to post, but the site keeps accusing me of being spam, so I give up.
testing comments
Couple of comments:
1. I have lived outback Queensdland and now in Sydney - and everywhere in between. Trust me when I saw that the country is not always as firendly as it might look. I understand some of the problems he might be having.
2. There was an intersting interview in the current online version of DNA in the “Outback” section. Was an interview with parents of a guy from waaaay outback. They were ultimately accepting after some counselling from PFLAG. Refreshing. worth a watch.
3. As a Christian try contacting: http://www.freedom2b.org One of the porganisers is a friend and the other I’ve heard speak. Contact them and have a chat.
4. I ABSOLUTELY recommend a book called “What the Bible Really Says about Homosexuality”. 2000, Helminiak, Alamo Square Press. The last copy I bought from Koorong Books at West Ryde.
This book should be compulsory reading for everyone who is gay and believes in Christianity. It’s a refreshing, empowering and positive look at the traditional negative portrayals of homosexuality in the Bible. VERY worth a read. And a good argument against those who want to “cure” us.
Mate, don’t give in. There are people of like mind - they’re just not as easy to find.
Have to agree with David regarding the book “What the Bible really says about Homosexuality.” I also have a fairly “religious” background (and maybe this is part of the problem…many have a religious rather than a spiritual background);I have come to the conclusion that anyone that condemns you for something you have no choice in has issues of their own to resolve.
I would have thought one of the advantages of Sydney was also the existence of the social and sporting organisations that offer an alternative focus to the night club scene.
There is a place for all of us, gay, straight, or like me, in between. You need to decide what your priorities are, is it a lover, a lifestyle, a career? We cannot always have all of the things we want and need to be ready to make the best of what we can obtain. Some people do jobs they hate in order to have the lifestyle they want, I have the job and location (hello tropical island) but live in a conservative society. It is the price I am willing to pay right now for the rest of what I want. Who knows, maybe it will all come out perfect in the end, but fairytale endings are few and far between. I recommend towns with an academic slant for more accepting places that are not always so “club culture” or urban, but still are accepting of people for who they are instead of judging.
Life may suck sometimes, but there is always something positive to hold on to. If nobody cared, they would not post your story or reply. If that is what you need to hand on to at the moment, do so. Finding your place in the world is tough, but it is worth it. It will work out, give it time and hang in there.
I totally agree to where he is coming from. I have been gay so many years now, that I have lost count. But I have always had trouble fitting in. Ben told I am too gay or not gay enough or just a gay that should be find somewhere else in the community to fit in. But I still exist, I have coped with it and you do. there is nothing wrong with being different. It is the gay community, itself. as it is very judgemental and discriminating of it’s own members. As it is a very superficial community. You will find your place, or it will find you
If your not career gay or typical gay ( too country too old too asian too..? ) you have to actively construct an identity you are happy with. I came out as gayman in my early 40s with three children -I do have different expectations, habits beliefs than my gay contempories who survived the aids crisis and buried many of their friends while I was changing nappies and attending kindergarten committee meetings!
I cam across Julia Cameron’s “The Artists WAy”and this helped me develop the courage I needed to leave my wife and start again. For me my art is essential in constructing my identity..and Brenton there is something more mainstream gays can do for those who dont fit in -highlight a bigger range of of ages races and experience in your blog!
“Fitting in” is a false construct. Many of the boys in the “scene” are wondering, do I fit in, am I fitting in, I hope I fit in.
We all want to fit in but so often don’t and just pretend. Is that the “stereotypical gay culture”?
I had much more to say but my comments were too spammy. :(
Brenton,
Love your work. Thanks for posting this post.
I’ve figured out that one cannot post pages. I’ll give it to you in increments.
The “stereotype of gay culture”? What is the stereotype and what is gay culture in this day and age?
It seems to me that in the past the “stereotype” was a nelly effeminate man that swished when he walked or dressed in drag. But that is ancient history. Too much time, effort, and progress has been made in the gay world for that stereotype to hold true any longer.
IMHO, there is no longer a true stereotype. In fact I wonder if, in the last 30-40 years there is one single stereotype? Sure there is a hold over, in the straight world and too often in the gay world, from days gone by, but those days are over. For every club kid, leather queen, sweater queen, bear, there are just blokes that like to watch and play sports, drink beer, tell fart jokes, ride horses, build things; are scientists, doctors, lawyers, teachers, insurance agents, garbage men, etc. that don’t fit into “the Oxford Street, Castro, SoHo, Village, 4th Quarter, Charlottenburg scene.” Nor do they want to. They quite likely would like nothing more than to be a part of their own scenes, whatever they are and that have nothing to do with being party boys.
There may be one overriding stereotype that still exists. That gay men are promiscuous. I reject the notion that this stereotype is unique to gay men. There are too many straight men that want to and do get laid by different women as often as possible. Wanting sex all of the time is a stereotype of being a man. For me, there is nothing wrong with that!
With regard to “gay culture” I can only think that today’s culture is an amalgam of all gay “scenes.” We must all be inclusive of every other. Sadly, too often, we are not.
That is a long-winded way of saying that the gentleman of whom you write is not alone in not “fitting in.” There is no such thing as “fitting in” anymore. We are all unique. “We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it!” We exist everywhere. Certainly in some scenes it is easier to find another to be with than others but it doesn’t mean that it is impossible. One’s inability to find another is absolutely no reason to commit suicide.
What happens if one commits suicide? Will they then find love? Will they then finally get their families approval? Will it then make them happy? I say no. It will then make them dead.
About the Christian thing from an atheists perspective. I 100% agree with the notion that you were made the way you were made. The creators, your parents, made you, and raised you. As a result you are who you are. Be proud of that! Further, if your creators can’t accept you, please explain that their acceptance is neither required nor desired. Their unconditional love, however, is most welcome. (Paraphrasing “To Wong Fu.”)
Finally, you dear sweet country athletic bloke, relax. Do you have any idea how lucky you are to be gay in this day of the internet. There are so many outlets for you to reach out beyond your small town and the small minded people in it. There are so many online resources for you. All is not lost.
Find the joy of loving your country life, of being an athlete. Those things make you happy. You are so lucky to have a least some things that make you happy. In the mean time, jack off a lot! Take your horse out for a ride, get naked, and wank. Sit in front of your computer, watch gay porn, and wank. Trust me, sometimes wanking is much better than having sex with another.
Agree with David. Check out the ‘Freedom 2 be’ web site. Heaps of good personal stories. I have also attended their regular get togethers in Sydney which provides a really good cruise-free zone to connect with people from a church background.
I’m fascinated by the diverse range of views and opinions. Who’s your “go to” guy?