The other night a good mate of mine and I were having a fairly in depth discussion about dating/men/relationships and both lamenting the fact that we are both single, stable, good looking guys who can’t seem to find a boyfriend. Sydney is a tough city to find a man even though all my single female friends swear all the good ones are gay, I beg to differ. My friend and I both want monogamy, affection, intimacy and all those simple pleasures that come with a relationship, yet neither of us have every had anything more than 6 months. He faces an additional hurdle in that he’s HIV+. In what I know is a sweeping generalisation, his perception is that most HIV+ men don’t seem too keen on monogamy. I countered that that applies to most gay men, especially in this town.
He and I met online and have fooled around a couple of times but not for a while. He put it to me directly, asking if I would or could date someone that was positive. In the past on this blog I’ve made bold statements that I didn’t think I could even shag a guy that I knew was positive. That has since been proven incorrect and I’ve had sex with a couple of guys knowing their positive status. The answer to his question, and it wasn’t a proposition, was that I still don’t know, but it’s certainly not an instant no as it would have been possibly as recently as two years ago. So we decided to bring it to the blog and have a poll.
If you are negative, would you date a positive guy? If you are positive, would you date a negative guy? My friend is terrified at the prospect of accidentally infecting someone, and would have trouble coping if he did, but at the same time is prepared to date a negative guy. We are really keen to hear your answers.
Would you date outside your status?
- I'm neg and only date neg guys (59%, 386 Votes)
- I'm neg and I'll date either poz or neg (32%, 210 Votes)
- I'm poz and I'll date either poz or neg (7%, 47 Votes)
- I'm Poz and only date poz guys (2%, 13 Votes)
Total Voters: 655
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Hey friend. I do enjoy your blog, and it’s fun to compare life in Sydney and your lovely surroundings with my region, central Indiana. The green, lush, dediduous trees, lots of clean water (but not really the oceans or Great Lakes of the U.S. We like Obama, but increasingly, we’re starting to count the disappointing or bad choices he has been involved with….and it’s getting a bit concerning. Lord knows we can not go back…anyway, I DO love your site, and want to encourage an open mind when evaluating the neg/poz question.
Boy i’ve missed this blog while i’ve been away, i thought we were about to get a hot story of what happened between you two. Oh well. Very interesting question, and while i’m only starting to date, i couldn’t see myself dating someone or even hooking up with someone I knew was positive.
j
Hey Brenton so far i am stunned at the results which currently show mostly that Neg Men will only Date Neg ……………..it makes me curious as to what the real thinking behind this is, is it,They fear an uncertain future? they fear their own judgements and slip from SAFE sex??? Or is it an attitude about what Gay Poz Man represents????, i am Confused ………..I have dated Both neg and Poz, and found the Poz men equally satisfiying in every way including the Latex barrier, as when it comes to sex I treat ALL men as Positive all the time and The latex STAYS.
Hi guys - I agree with Ulo. I’m amazed that neg men won’t date pos men - how can they really know. In my experience it was never discussed in teh bar, or club or in teh taxi on the way to his place! Any new relationship/shag (whatever) should be on the assumption that they could be positive. Rubbers help to stop the spread of far more than just HIV and should always be used unless you’re 100% sure.
I’ve been with the same guy for 12 years now. He’s positive and I’m not. Although it was an issue to start with (psychologically), sex has never been anything but fantastic and very, very safe! He’s probably healthier than I am and althoug there is a degree of unceratainty and his HIV may ‘get him some day’, I may get hit by a bus! Don’t let an HIV label get in the way - love the man, not a disease. And play safe!!
What an interesting question! When I was younger (not even 21!), I thought I was down with an HIV+ dx for a potential paramour, because that was VERY common for the older men population that I so deeply desired. SO, I dated guys regardless of their sero-status, as long as we always fucked with a condom. AND THEN, I met a guy who was POZ, who REALLY lurved me. Trouble was, he was a MAJOR pre-cummer, and didn’t want to wear a condom during oral sex. Add to that his story that he “got” HIV from oral sex, and I was just totally freaked! What if his strain of HIV was more easily transmitted via oral means? I ended the relationship, badly (one of my VERY few regrets in life, but I was also VERY young). Upside was that I learned to insist on condoms even during oral sex (and yes, I know that is less enjoyable).
I am neg (I hope — I go for testing in a few weeks) and would only date a neg man. I have psychological issues around health, so I would be an emotional mess thinking I could seroconvert at any time if I was regularly having sex with a poz guy. (Case in point, I recently had a very safe encounter with someone who later told me is poz — I am terrified of my next HIV test to the point of obsession. I am literally counting the days. Yes, I receive help for this problem I have.) For me, dating a poz guy would not be healthy for me psychologically.
To further complicate things (and I don’t suspect this is typical of your readers), but I am a single dad of 2 little kids. My need to stay fully healthy goes beyond my own body.
it really depends on you’re looking to date or be a partner with a person or a diagnosis… and knowing a person’s status in now way implies that you KNOW the person. getting to know your-self first will help you make the right relationship decisions and resole your own insecurities, fears and personal issues you’re mirroring on someone else.