Calling all single men. Roll up! Roll up! If you want to meet a man or even if you don’t just by reading this you are endangering your single status. I’ve documented my Love Ebola before. If people are threatened with meeting me, or a date with me, they suddenly find themselves in a wonderful relationship, with someone else. My mates and I are discussing renting me out as a community service. You don’t even have to want a relationship. In fact, you can be actively avoiding one and if I find you remotely attractive, BOOM, you’ll be loved up. I’m sorry.

It’s happened again. I’ve been flirting with and chatting to a guy that I see every couple of weeks at my gym. Two weeks ago I finally got up the nerve to give him my number. He seemed genuinely pleased. Two, three, four days later… no call. One week later, no call. Today I saw him and he said, “Sorry, I’ve just started seeing someone.” I have to say, as pleased as I am that I can bring such happiness to the world, I’m fucking over it. Surely after doing such good community service, after a while, there has to be karma points and I get to have even a little relationship of my own?