No, I’m not talking about the viewers although occasionally I’ve been reduced to tears over the talent or lack there of, of the competitors. I’m actually talking about the contestants themselves.

If you watch The Biggest Loser the fat people are crying. They probably cry for a multitude of reasons, they are hungry, they are always hungry and then they’ve been made to exercise. These people have never not eaten and never exercised. They are crying because they are hungry!

America’s Next Top Model is another example. Those girls cry at the drop of a hat. If they couldn’t emote the right angst with their left eyebrow, they cry because Tyra isn’t happy. If one of the girls doesn’t like the fact that someone else got the dress they wanted… they cry. Ultimately they cry because they are hungry too!

Dance your little heart out on So You Think You Can Dance and then… cry. Cry because your family doesn’t udnerstand your passion. Cry because you’ve had to prostitute yourself to afford the prosthetic limb and dance lessons on broken glass to pursue your dream. Come to think of it, they’ve been waiting in an auditorium all day, they are probably hungry too!

Big Brother contestants have hours and hours of footage of themselves with puffy eyes and tearstained cheeks. They’ve been locked in a house with people they don’t like for three months, of course they are upset. But hang on… didn’t they audition for that? Of course they did, because they are “Crazy!” and up for anything. Now they aren’t happy because they are stuck in a house eating bad food. Dammit, they are hungry too!

Note to TV Producers, keep your stars hungry, it makes for unmissable car crash television.

I know the photo above isn’t related at all, but the guy had such a pretty doodle. Works for me.