I’ve just finished re-watching “Shelter”. It’s a great movie with a very believable portrayal by the lead actor of coming out, with everyone asking questions and demanding a rational explanation of what’s going on when you don’t really know it yourself.
A couple of the scenes got me all misty eyed for that early love stuff, the first kiss, the passion, those giggle stupid things you do together. All stuff I haven’t experienced in a very very long time.
My own coming out, while not blissful and full of rainbows and acceptance from family was a pretty smooth one. As discussed in my recent counselling sessions, it was handled in my usual way of going from point A, straight, to point B, gay with very little emotional thought or time in between which does work against me at times.
My first ever sexual contact with another man happened while I was dating my last girlfriend. I was at the nude beach and wondering naively why all these people were going for a walk around the rocks. So I went for a walk. I found a guy in the bushes looking at me, stroking himself. Initially I held back but after a while the curiosity got the better of me. The guilt I felt for weeks afterwards, thinking everyone in the street knew what I’d done. It happened again not long afterwards with another guy, with less guilt by this stage and more curiosity.
Within two or three weeks of breaking up with my last girlfriend, I had met my first boyfriend. To this day I don’t know that I’ve had sex as good. Whether it was him, or my beginner’s enthusiasm I don’t know. Sadly he tried to suck the life out of me by trying to embed himself in every aspect of my life, wanting to move in together after two weeks, joining my surfclub (unsuccessfully) and just wanting to somehow meld into the same person.
Within a month of me coming out to my family and the usual emotional rollercoaster that goes with that, tears and tantrums included, I ended it with Scott. He then proceeded to turn up at my work, my house, call me, my friends and my sister, whom I was sharing a house with, crying and being wildly dramatic. He was even heard to utter the words “I’m all alone and all I can hear are my tears echoing around the house”. He deserved an Academy Award for best actor in the role of Victim in life – The Movie.
Since then, I came to terms quite quickly with being gay. From meeting Scott to telling my family and all my friends took less than six months. While I am quite comfortable being gay, I don’t think, like a lot of people, I’m entirely sure of who I am and what I want. It’s been said many times that I won’t find anyone special until I’m content with who I am. I know that, and I’m working towards it using stuff I picked up from the counsellor and recognising things that I do wrong, as I do them or when I’m about to. Here’s hoping it works.