Several years ago there was a feminist book written called The Beauty Myth. Last night I got to thinking about the Beauty Curse. I was at Frisky dance party last night and it was full of hot men, seemingly a higher than average percentage, including one of the guys in our group.
This guy is totally my type, 6′4″ with a beautiful smile, great sense of humour, sparkly blue eyes and a body to DIE for, yet there he was watching all these beautiful guys walk past and sulking that they were all way out of his league. Turns out this guy doesn’t cope with compliments at all and has zero confidence. He’s not the first guy I’ve known like this and I’ve been thinking about the pressures of living up to being beautiful.
There are guys we all know who are beautiful and who know it and use and abuse that privelege but are there others who crumble under the pressure of it. Maybe some hate the attention it brings them because they know they have more to offer and are sick of being seen as just a pretty face.
Whatever the reason, the guy in our group is stunning but has no idea. I’ve been crushing on him for a few weeks now and in my altered state last night I didn’t really enjoy seeing him ending up pashing some other guy I’ve met and don’t like. But for once that, and the beautiful men didn’t intimidate me, I just took myself off to dance somewhere else and enjoy the views!
Update: The guy in question is aware that I find him completely attractive but he’s not long out of a 7 year relationship and in my experience, that doesn’t make a good dating prospect. I’m sure we’ll be getting to know each other and maybe see where it goes.
Update #2: Apologies, to the commenter who called me out on calling someone hideous. You are right, I have no right to do so. I was upset and probably still a bit trashy when I wrote that. I know I probably still need more therapy but budgets won’t allow for it at the moment. Nor have I ever said I’m A list stunning and I know for a fact that people find me hideous. The post has been updated to more accurately reflect what I feel and should have written.
So, take some of your own medicine and ask him out, handsome.
Brenton, sweetheart, will you please stop being such a teenage girl and approach this guy? It’s a win-win situation for you. You win if something develops and you win if he isn’t interested, because then you can move on. You seem such a sweet, thoughtful and very, very hot guy, that the beauty-queen would be an idiot to dismiss you right away. Being further down the road to accept your own attractiveness, you can teach him a thing or two. You were runner-up for Mr. Gay Australia, for goodness sake, tons of people think you are hot. Many of your readers write so over and over again. Go for it!
Beauty is only skin-deep, the real beauty of a person is what’s going on his mind, the rest if just gift paper around the whole package… Go for it and unwrap it!
There is a great book that explains a lot of the issues that gay men experience…like low self esteem…and not being able to maintain a relationship…it’s called ‘The Velvet Rage’ by Alan Down.
Well worth the read and it’s amazing to see oneself in those pages.
Brenton, so why didn’t you go up and ask him out then? You guys are in the same league afterall! Go for it!!
Brenton, Merry Christmas, and a Happy new year. Maybe this will help put some of your thoughts into perspective. Recently I was watching Oprah and her resident Doctor was explaining this that and other stuff when he made a very obvious but logical statement that I had not realized myself. ” Genetitcaly we are all Beautiful, realize that we (each and every one of us) are the end result of thousands of years of selection through attraction.” On a more personal note I have realized that sometimes, healthy or not I only feel as handsome or sexy as others see me. Also I have noticed I get a lot more compliments when I tell myself who gives a bleeep I feel down right Sexy.
Yes, ask him for a date, a moment, build on it. If he says no, at least you will not be trapped in that time consuming thought any longer. Anyhow much love, Kisses and Hugs.
I agree with Robert that confidence is sexy. It’s a serious turn off to me when even a guy I find hot ends up being insecure about the way he looks, and thinks he’s not hot enough.
Brenton-
I say this with love, invest in more sessions with your therapist!
You’re doing the same old things and expecting different results. It’s just not going to happen for you until you realize what’s causing you to do this.
Although it hasn’t happened to me yet (LOL) your youthfulness and body will fade and you will be stuck with nothing. NOTHING.
I realized this when I was 36. At 38 I met my partner, the first guy I have ever had a deep meaningful relationship with. It was the same for him. You need to fix you first, then you will have the sense of self and confidence that most worthy guys find attractive. I’m 45 now, look the best I ever have, and am loving life.
So again, continue to get help and really question why you are doing the things you are.
Franco
“…I didn’t really enjoy seeing him ending up pashing some hideous looking guy.”
WHO the heck do you think YOU are calling someone hideous?? You need to be bitch slapped across the room!
Did you ever stop to think that some of these beautiful guys just might think you’re hideous? You may be nice looking, but you’re far from A list stunning.
Did you ever stop to think that guy who you have a crush on is attracted to guys who are smart and have their act together? Far from how you portray yourself.
For a lot of people it’s not ALL about physical attraction. For those for which it is lead sad, shallow lives.
Pull yourself OUT OF THE GHETTO and start playing your real strengths and challenge yourself to go out on dates with guys who also have some real depth.
I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I agree with the poster above. Please call your therapist. You are far from being out of the woods.
Read the book!
As a long time reader and only occasional commenter, I have to say Chris and Franco are correct:
a) Get out of the ghetto and it’s superficiality
b) Invest in more time with the therapist
You don’t need to be told what you can and can’t say on your own blog
. Personally, Chris’s life sounds sad if he has to go to the place where you probably vent most if not all of your feelings just to harshly criticise
.