Any long-term readers of this blog will realise that I have a few issues and insecurities around relationships and men. I’ve been fucked over by a couple of people in the last few years and it’s shaken me a bit. I’ve never had a lot of confidence around relationships and like I said yesterday the Sex and the City movie leaves me crying my eyes out because it pushes buttons about not being enough to keep someone, being cheated on, dying alone and all that stuff. Melodramatic I know, but you get my point.
SO, tomorrow I’m starting the process of having my baggage repacked so that rather than having to check it in and pay excess, it will hopefully now fit in the overhead compartment and stop crippling me. Everyone picks up little souvenirs to put in their baggage from relationships past, it’s just whether it’s souvenirs worth having or should they just be thrown out along with the guy?
Guys I meet clearly see the neon “desperate” sign above my head and run a million miles. Yes I want a relationship and I don’t think that’s a bad thing, but I do want to be able to say that I’m content if that doesn’t happen.
I have six sessions lined up with a counsellor starting tomorrow morning, once a week. Fingers crossed it will help. If I feel like it’s getting my baggage from a full matching travel set, to just a small overnight bag, and I need to keep it up, then I will certainly keep it going past the six sessions. Now… where do I find a straight jacket to match my new jeans?
Neon sign? It’s more like that giant Kathy Freeman poster covering the entire side of that building just before the Olympics. I’m joking so everyone please don’t start attacking me like I’m some baby killer.
Good on you for going to couselling. I’m going myself as well because of all the shit that’s gone down at work (evil boss — you know who you are).
You know you find interesting things in the most unusual places, just go for it. I think it’s very brave of you to do it through counseling.
Hope that special someone is waiting for you so he can pull the plug out of that neon-sign.
As a trained Counsellor – who has also been in therapy – I can only congratulate you.
Therapy is for the mind, what the gym is for the body. Go for it.
Mazel Tov and kudos for making such a sensible decision.
that’s great you can only fix what you are aware of….maybe it would be a good idea to get rid of all the baggage…..
Brenton
Good for you!
I too started the same “luggage purge” a month ago; same situations (been screwed over several times, blah blah. So far its making me see things differently and does it work? in the long term I hope so, but time will tell. I feel it is!
Go for it!
I hope you find what you’re looking for, both in the counselling and in a relationship. You totally deserve the best that life has to offer you!
I’ve followed your blog for several weeks now. The entertainment value and introspection have drawm me back each time. The openness and candid exposure of yourself is enlightening. Interesting to me is that you have this baggage in particular. I would think it would be water of a ducks back. However, we deal with our issues differently and if you recognize this as a challenge, I wish you well.
I’m similarly positioned on the topic. I tend to let this type of matter be in the hands of my higher power and patience. Along with a dash of the 2 ten letter words to live by: “if it is to be, it is up to me.”
Carry-on baggage is always easier than the checked kind. Unless you can’t find a small enough bag to accommodate your carry-on belongings. Then, find the biggest ass bag you can, pack it full of your baggage, and then CHECK IT and forget it. It’ll make your journey lighter.
Go for it Brenton.
You are a wise person, love yourself
When you get to the root cause(s) and start addressing them, then you’ll find the relationship. Until then you’ll continue to come across as a desperate nut case. This is not meant to sound mean, a lot of us have been there in one form or another. It’s great that you’re seeking help to “get your act together” and people want to be around those who do.
Two tips on therapists:
1. not sure why you booked six sessions with the same therapist. If you know the therapist and have a good relationship with him/her, ok. However if it’s a new one, you may want to reconsider and talk to a few before you commit to six sessions. It’s important to find one with whom you click. They’re not all created equal.
2. Depending on what you need to work through, it may take some time. Do not expect miracles over night. Repeat. Do not expect miracles over night. You are who you are today based on all the years of your life. Said another way, six weeks may be just the beginning. On the other hand, don’t despair, you shouldn’t be in therapy for a life time.
The good news is once you unravel a few things you will be much more self aware and have a different perspective on life. You will see the assholes for who they are much sooner and you will begin to attract quality people.
And, one last note, if you don’t get anything out of this post or your therapy sessions, please, PLEASE, stop saying, “I want a relationship.” Believe it or not the end game does not have to be advertised… your behaviors will speak volumes.
Good luck.
Just a few thoughts…
Sorry about that.
Just a few thoughts…
My guess is:
- you are trying too hard to be something you’re not. Trying to fit in with a crowd who doesn’t seem to want you. And there’s something about this person you want to be or this crowd you want to hang out with that YOU believe will make you whole. You need to find out why you don’t think you’re whole and why you believe being someone you’re not or hanging out with the desired crowd will make you whole.
- my hunch is that you’ve pinpointed life’s rejections to your physical attributes. You are disappointed that your looks are not perfect and therefore obsessed that you can’t compete. You haven’t come to terms that your horse smile and fleshy arse aren’t perfect. While most would argue that you’re attractive and have a nice body, you have not accepted the physical you.
- another hunch is that you may believe you can not compete intellectually or that you feel inadequate in your career. Not sure, may be both. You probably don’t have a real sense for the incredible attributes and talents you have and how to package them… and therefore have a sound understanding where the competitive bar should be set.
- you believe that a relationship with the right guy will make you whole and somehow solve all your problems. News flash: even if you meet the perfect guy you will not be whole and your problems will not be solved.
- while you do need to be physically attracted to someone, the match is not made on looks nor should looks be the first gate.
- continually ask yourself, “Am I emulating the behaviors of the people I want to be around and the partner I want to be with?”
- one positive comment, at least you are not blaming all your insecurities on your small (flaccid) to average (erect) penis.
Things will get better B. However it’s a lot of work to get there. Just keep moving forward.
Aww I fell you sweetie, I know exactly how you feel. We just need to be strong, chin up and keep going. I keep telling myself if it happens great, if not oh well. I am not going to stop doing what i like waiting for a man.
When i read you were packing your bags i thought you were gonna move .. to Melbourne!! … oh boo!… but yeh yay for you for getting some positive counseling
Hey
Glad to hear you are going to see a counsellor, it’s the first step along your road. I did it for 3 months last year and it was the best move for me. I got lots out of it, it’s amazing to speak to someone who has no idea about you. Also, I read a great book by Scott Peck – The road less travelled. It is kinda spiritual, but do you know, it did help.
Good Luck with it Brenton, you deserve the world and then some!
Take Care
James
Thinking of you, best wishes on your journey. xo
Brenton, you’re a great guy and when I get to Sydney next I’d love to meet you for coffee just to say hello. Take care.
As long as you don’t go into the sessions expecting some miraculous transformation to take place or for the counselor to have some magic answers to your concerns, this can only lead to good. Most likely, the greatest benefits will come on your own, outside the sessions, as you muse over things independently. Counseling is good in that even if the sessions are crap, it gets your mind moving on its own.
Counseling is a wonderful idea as part of a healthy life process; even I go when I have something I cannot address by myself, which seems to be where you are. Getting a counselor you connect with is important too so make sure you check out whom you get assigned to. Then you can pour your heart out, because it is their job to listen! Isn’t it wonderful!!! And they have to make sense of it all! Even better! But seriously, if you help make sense of it, that gets you thinking on how to solve your problems yourself and you grow as a person. It is a no lose situation. I say have a blast!
Glad to see you’re going to see a therapist. I’ve been seeing one for several years, twice a month, and it’s helped me deal with a lot of issues. Good luck!
hi brenton
unpacking can be very difficult
because as you go along the process there are stuff you would not like to let go
so the thing is if and when this stuff doesnt do best to your interest, just let go, feel the pain and just focus on the good things that will come in letting go.
i had my own share of baggage….
after counselling
and you might be open enough, try to see a healer who practices chakra healing, if certain chakras in the body are clogged it is hard to move on and get rid of old patterns.
there are good ones in glebes
last year was the year i let go of old patterns
i attended hypotherapy session and chakra clearings
i studied them too, including cutting cords with certain people in our past.
its all good believe me…..
you will be a better person to meet your soulmate and your evryday life is easier.
goodluck……let me know if you want to know more
lee
Hey Brenton
Mate I have gone from being in my first relationship which ended over 5 years ago, to being a man whore, dabbling in minor relationships and ‘fuckbuds’, to recently finding myself falling in love with several guys for no apparent reason, and being crushed when I realised that all they wanted was to use me as a human dildo.
The search for a man is so time consuming, be it for a quick fuck or a relationship. And I know from these times when I have fallen in love that the intimacy of a relationship is what I want in my life.
My choice now is not so much to rid myself of the ‘desperate’ neon sign over my head or to discard my excess baggage. More so I have a picture in my head of the independent guy, with the qualities I know are inside me, and that I haven’t expressed in years. I am reestablished myself – to use the cliche ‘being the best i can be.’
If that doesn’t draw an equally great guy in to my world, perhaps nothing will. And if I am destined to fly solo for ever more, I will do so excelling in all other spheres of my life, and not wasting it all hoping for someone to come along and complete me.
I will check in form time to time to see how ytour tracking. and of course i expect an invite to your wedding.
Congrats;
I trust you will find when your “own” act is more together, by that I mean understood, accepted and cherished you will be in a position to find another. Therapy takes the unresolved energy out of things.
I think it comes down to energy levels really, its’ easy to hook up with someone who has a neutral vibe, that is not to say doesn’t excite the heck out of you, but is better for you, longterm.
That is unless you want to find high drama ones which have their place too, but they has their prices.
You’ll find all your past relationships were valid, got you to where you were today, wouldn’t trade them and hopefully learned from them.
Hopefully your to find your current friends will also grow with your growth and you’ll look back with love and understanding.
B.