There’s a strange difference in viewpoints at play in the world that I don’t understand. A friend of mine has been trying to get pregnant for a couple of years now. She and her husband will make fantastic parents and I hope they fall pregnant soon.
The thing that struck me after hearing that they were still having trouble, was that everyone is so sympathetic and understanding about people’s natural desire to have a baby and raise the child to the best of their ability. Yet people like me that want a relationship while people understand to an extent, are told we are desperate and being silly. “It will happen” they say, and sure, it might but why is it any different to want loving companionship? To me, it’s another natural instinct. Sure, it might not perpetuate the species, but having someone to ride along the road of life is one of the best thing possible.
It seems especially strange to others if you are gay, at least to other gay men. People expect you to slut around or if you have a boyfriend, to keep playing outside the relationship or together. If not that, then become a serial dater, going from one guy to another for a month here, a couple of months there. That’s just not all of us. I’ll happily buy a two seater for that ride down the road of life.
I’m both a gay man and a parent and I think I know why there’s a difference.
The birth of a child is seen by most as the culmination of a pairing, whether that be marriage or some other sort of coupledom. A baby is a mixture of two peoples’ DNA, it is a physical manifestation of a relationship. The crowning achievement, if you will. (On top of which, babies are precious and provide unconditional love, which cause all kids of hardnosed adults to get all mushy. Almost nothing is more sympathy-inducing than a poor couple who so desperately want a child, but who remain childless.)
People don’t react the same way to your want for a loving relationship because your wish for a relationship is merely the first step of that two step family-building process.
I think because, historically, society has not left us many options except slutting around or serial monogamy. So now, instead of seeing that this behaviour is an artifact of societal opinion, it is assumed to be the norm. Hopefully, as societies change, so will the expectation of what it means to have a “gay lifestyle.”
I think the difference is what you have control over. You have control over having a child — when it happens, and how. Your body might have other ideas, but even then it’s something that can be controlled.
Relationships aren’t really synonymous in that regard. You can’t just make it happen, no matter how much you want it. You can increase your chances by meeting more people, but it’s not something that you can just do because you want it. In fact, desperately wanting it can be counterproductive.
Also, I think the “norm” of expectation of gay relationships only applies to your experiences, not necessarily reality. There seem to be a pretty high proportion of gay guys at my workplace. Seven, including me. All bar one are in committed, monogamous relationships. I’d never seen any of them out at nightclubs (or anywhere), and all seem pretty grounded and “normal”.
Most couples tend to not go out, they socialise with other couples, and generally stay pretty quiet. There a hell of a lot of men out there in steady relationships that you never see. The fact that you don’t see them makes you think they don’t exist, but they do. Dropping off “the scene” is a part of that commitment, I reckon.
Similar to Ben, I wonder why the people around you all seem to be against partnering. I have a fair number of people in my social circles who either, like me, fret about the lack of a partner, or are enjoying their long-term partnered status. Some may have open relationships to some degree, but many others don’t and are adamant about it. And quite a few also have kids.
You might want to take a look at who you surround yourself with. As an old college professor once told me, if you only date millionaires you will most likely end up marrying one.
If you surround yourself with couples, and people looking to become a couple, you are more likely to become one yourself. No promises, though.
There are it seems to me to be two kinds of men, the marrying kind and the dating kind;from my reading expierence Aussey man you are the dating kind for now. That is not a judgement just an observation, it is not right nor wrong.
Marrying kind don’t frequent or partake in nude get togethers.
Marrying kind generally are not overly body concious.
Marrying kind are not obcessed with sexuality.
The list can go on, and I am sure there will be dialogue contrary to my opinion, which is my opinion, but look close at your blog entries.
Being older, gives one perspective and a great degree of knowledge in a way.
I am not suggesting you stop your habits, just mearly observe the kind of men that share the lifestyle, men who don’t want to be in relationships.
Please understands this is NOT judgemental, just observational and in no way reflects any opinions to what you do being anything more then supporting a single lifestyle vs a man ready to settle.
I’ve “been there and done that” is all I can say and realize to settle one at times needs to give up alot of the “energies” of being single to allow someone in to pair up.
Bottom line is your not ready to pair up just yet, which is a great place to be. And when your ready you’ll be ready.
Just an observation……………
Doc B.
PS In further clarification, I think your still with observation, and aren’t we all to a degree, in the beginning of the “coming out process”. Exploring sexuality, coming to terms with it, struggling with it, etc. During this turbulent time, to find a long term relationship would seem folly to me as most of your energy is being focused on yourself vs the need in a relationship to focus on the other partner OVER your needs.
It’s a wonderful time to be where you are, but you can’t have it all you will find. Enjoy the transient relationships, they are all valid, and learn from them all……………
I am echoing David, that you should hang out more with people who don’t think you’re an anomaly because you want a boyfriend. You certainly do a number of great things to put yourself out there, with all your classes in Silks, Trapeze and Pole-dancing. Bizarre that nothing ever seems to come of it, except for those great videos.
i am gay, anti-monogamy and anti-baby. I don’t think there is anything wrong with any stance. it’s the imposition of one person’s standards on another that I can’t stand. Peeps need to stop validating their own life choices by putting others’ down.
I’m 38 and have been partnered for 10 years. We got married in California last month. We have two children.
I think your observation is interesting. I hear similar things from our single friends.
Three observations I have. First, what might be hurting you is that you’re equating your desire of being in a relationship to happiness. When people make light of your desire it hurts because they are basically blowing off your happiness. Just a thought.
Second thing I have observed is that people are more sympathetic to goodlooking guys yearning for a relationship than average Joes. Almost as if average Joes don’t have feelings. As an example, a friend of ours, “Mike”, is really goodlooking, extremely smart, great heart, consistently gets several dates a week with really goodlooking guys. However he’s boring as hell. People dote on him like there is no tomorrow. “I’m so sad for Mike. He wants a relationship so bad. He really needs a partner.” “We should really try to help Mike out. How about Ken. You should introduce them.” On and on.
By contrast, our friend “Matt” has a so so face, is bald, but has a great body. He’s really outdoorsy guy, not pretentious, is smart, owns his own business, has two homes, is a ton of fun to be with. Straight shooter, no nonsense kind of guy. He’s 36. His partner of 8 years was killed in an automobile accident 3 years ago. In the last 18 months he’s tried dating. It’s a big thing for him if he gets one date in 3 months and an even bigger thing if he has several dates with the same guy. We know he wants a partner just as much as Mike, but he doesn’t talk about it endlessly like Mike. However, when he’s excited about having a second date, everyone just changes the subject. No one ever displays interest. And certainly no one expresses sympathy for him. The good news is he met a guy last month that seems to share a lot of chemistry. He wants to share with our friends, but he won’t say anything.
Third thing is, we agree with another poster, it’s about who you hang out with and whose behavior you’re emulating. If you’re hanging out with singles and dysfunctional couples in bars, you’re going to find singles who want to be single and people in dysfunctional relationships. You need to observe where and with whom your hanging out.
Bonus observation: you can’t “look” for a partner. He will “appear.” Therefore you need to do what makes you happy, busy yourself with things you like to do, surround yourself with people who have similar interests. I met my partner on a flight from LAX to Auckland, New Zealand. I was looking to get away, explore a country I had not visited, and to have a good time on a three week vacation — he just happened to be there… on the same plane, going to the same place, planning to do the same thing.
Just my two cents.
Lots of interesting thoughts here Brenton. When I met my husband I was at work and hanging with many young men & women looking for spouses. Some of us found them there (more than just me got hitched from that company). So there is something to hanging with a crowd that are either already couples or singles looking for the same things you are. No one should be looking askance at one looking for true love. It may help to bear that in mind.
As for having babies, I feel that is a precious endeavor because it is creating life from the love a couple has. Even though the cynical biologist in me says that it is just strands of DNA replicating and ensuring survival of the species, and the brash ecologist in me says that the world’s human population is way too large as it is. Yet my heart bleeds for a couple who has trouble conceiving, but I feel so silly saying that because it is contrary to my other thoughts on the matter. See, how troubled I am? You think you have problems?
Really, I wish you luck with your search.
I agree with you B.
My 2 cents…you’re an interesting guy with a lot of cool things going on in your life…keep doing what turns you on while making room in your life for another. but I dont believe you can “plan” it. It happens when you least expect it, as long as you leave room for opportunities to happen. I gotta agree with a couple of the posts about who we surround ourselves with helping to form the opportunities…dont worry B., it will happen to you when you least expect it.